Desuko Movie Spot's 3rd Anniversary.

Tomorrow marks the big third anniversary of this blog, so it's time for that annual tradition of making an index of all of the year's posts. (The first part of the index can be found here.) This is also a handy time to announce our brief holiday hiatus. Thanks for all your support and readership in the past year, and we'll see you again in the first week of January!

200 Motels (1971).

April Fool's Day (1986).

Bettie Page: Dark Angel (2004).
The Black Room (1935).
Bluetopia: The L.A. Dodgers Movie (2009).
Bug Buster (1998).

Can't Stop the Music (1980).
Celebration at Big Sur (1971).
Charade (1963).
The Chase (1994).
Cobra Woman (1944).
The Concorde: Airport '79 (1979).

Deep Impact (1998).
Derailroaded: Inside the Mind of Larry "Wild Man" Fischer (2004).
Dragnet (1954).
Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966).

Earth vs. the Spider (1958).
Equinox (1970).

Festival Express (1970).

Gamera (1965).
Gamera vs. Barugon (a.k.a., War of the Monsters) (1966).
Gamera vs. Gaos (1967).
Gamera vs. Viras (a.k.a., Destroy All Planets) (1968).
Gamera vs. Guiron (a.k.a., Attack of the Monsters) (1969).
Gamera vs. Monster X (a.k.a., War of the Monsters) (1970).
Gamera vs. Zigra (1971).
The Ghost of Slumber Mountain (1918).
The Gorilla (1939).
The Green Slime (1968).
Gymkata (1985).

The Happening (1967).
Hercules and the Captive Women (1961).
The Hidden Fortress (1958).
Homicidal (1961).
How the West Was Won (1962).

I Married a Witch (1942).
In the Bleak Midwinter (a.k.a., A Midwinter's Tale) (1995).
It (1927).
I Walked With a Zombie (1943).
I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957).

Jail Bait (1954).
Jawbreaker (1999).

Kill the Umpire (1950).
Kingdom of the Spiders (1977).

Let the Devil Wear Black (1999).
Listening to You: The Who at the Isle of Wight (1970).
Love's Labour's Lost (2000).

Manhatta (1921).
Martin (1977).
Mighty Joe Young (1949).
Mission to Mars (2000).
The Mole People (1956).
Monsters vs. Aliens (2009).

Night of the Lepus (1972).
The Notorious Bettie Page (2005).

Pandora's Box (1929).
Purple Rain (1984).
Puttin' On the Ritz (1930).

Ratatouille (2007).
Red Zone Cuba (a.k.a., Night Train to Mundo Fine) (1966).
Rock Around the Clock (1956).

Scooby Doo: The Mystery Begins (2009).
Scorched (2002).
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978).
The Sidehackers (a.k.a., Five the Hard Way) (1969).
The Skydivers (1963).
Suburbia (1984).
Succubus: Hell Bent (2007).

The Tale of Despereaux (2008).
Terror Firmer (1999).
The Trial (1962).
The Trip (1967).

Uncle Sam (1996).
Up (2009).

Watchmen (2009).
The Wild Angels (1966).
The Wizard of Oz (1925).

Guest Blog: Vince's Quiz.

Hercules and the Captive Women (1961).

The Scoop:
Herc is up to his usual shenanigans in yet another Italian muscle epic, the third entry in the "Hercules" series that Joseph E. Levine brought to America. Unfortunately, Steve Reeves isn't around, so Hercules is played by Reg Park, who mostly sleepwalks through the role. Seriously, several important plot points rely on Hercules being asleep. And when he's awake, he mostly just throws things and looks confused.

The title is somewhat misleading, since there's only one captive woman and she doesn't figure too much into the plot. Instead, the story concerns Hercules trying to overthrow an evil queen (played by Fay Spain) who is ruling the hidden island of Atlantis. All the Atlanteans worship the god Uranus, leading to plenty of unintentional crude humor in the dialogue.

This one is actually somewhat fun, if you don't think about it too much.

Best Line:
"Uranus has abandoned us!"

Side Note:
This was the first of Park's five films. He did two more as Hercules, and one each as Maciste and Ursus, a couple of Italian Hercules-knock off characters.

Companion Viewing:
"Hercules" (1958).

Links:
IMDb.
Eccentirc Cinema.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The full film:

Dragnet (1954).

The Scoop:
Man, I love me some "Dragnet."

After the success of his 1940s radio series and 1950s TV series, Jack Webb brought "Dragnet," his life's work, to the big screen in this enjoyable adaptation. The story, involving the investigation into a gangland murder, uses the luxury of its expanded budget and running time to offer much more detail about the nitty gritty of detective work and the legal process than the television series. But the hard-boiled, straight-as-an-arrow Boy Scout spirit makes the big screen leap intact, and it positively sizzles.

Ben Alexander reprises his role as Friday's partner Frank Smith, while Webb also directs from a script by Richard L. Breen.

This was the first of three "Dragnet" feature films. It was followed first by a color film in 1966 that paired Webb with Harry Morgan and served as the springboard for the late '60s TV series. And then came the 1987 entry starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, which doesn't even deserve to be considered part of the canon.

With excellent direction, the film captures some of the same mix of earnestness and cheesiness of the series, without being quite as camp as some of the 1960s TV series. Of course, by then the generation gap sparked by the counterculture was enough to make Webb's brand of law and order seem downright outdated. But in this film, in its element, it's still exciting stuff.

Best Bit:
Friday explains the deductions on his paycheck.

Side Note:
This was the first feature film ever spun off from TV show.

Companion Viewing:
The '50s TV series.

Links:
IMDb.
Badge 714.

Take a Look:
Friday and Smith lay the smack down:


Sgt. Friday gets his $20 worth:

Deep Impact (1998).

The Scoop:
The less commercially successful of 1998's two killer asteroid movies, this is the more creatively successful (not that "Armageddon" provided much competition in that area), creating what could be termed a kinder, gentler disaster movie.

Téa Leoni is an ambitious television reporter on the trail of a government cover-up, only to discover that the fact being covered up is the existence of a giant comet on a collision course with Earth, which the government is trying to destroy without alarming the public. The story gets out, though, with all the usual results.

Director Mimi Leder and writers Bruce Joel Rubin and Michael Tolkin shift the focus away from the pyrotechnics in favor of the human reactions to impending disaster (and a less-than-happy ending), creating a film that, though occasionally predictable, still manages to stand out among its genre. The cast is filled with solid actors, but the standouts include Robert Duvall as the gruff astronaut leading the comet destruction team; Morgan Freeman, lending his commanding presence to the role of the president; and Elijah Wood and Leelee Sobieski as the young amateur astronomer and his girlfriend who discover the asteroid.

Sure, "Deep Impact" is still a Big Dumb Blockbuster, but it is at least one with more heart than one would otherwise expect.

Best Line:
"Look on the bright side. We'll all get high schools named after us."

Side Note:
The scene of the president's address to the world originally included the line, "This is not armageddon." But that was cut out when the studio realized that the film would be in theaters around the same time as "Armageddon."

Companion Viewing:
"Armageddon" (1998).

Links:
IMDb.
Disaster Movie World.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


BOOM! The money shot. (Spoilers!):

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 5: Red Zone Cuba (1966).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #619, "Red Zone Cuba." (Originally published Aug. 7, 2009):

The Scoop:
This is yet another Coleman Francis/Anthony Cardoza turd, only this time it is apparently Francis' grand artistic statement.

Back in the '60s and '70s, just about anybody could get John Carradine to appear in their film for about the cost of a ham sandwich, so Francis apparently blew his budget on that, and then wasted the whole thing in the first two minutes of the movie. In the opening scene, Carradine turns up as a grizzled railway worker who is telling this story to a nondescript bystander. After this incredibly short day's work, Carradine disappears from the movie forever, but not before croaking the horrendously awful theme song.

From there, the real story starts. An escaped convict (played by the auteur himself, who also wrote, directed, produced and edited this red-baiting debacle) gets mixed up with five or six revolutionaries who try to invade Cuba. After an excursion that makes the Bay of Pigs look like an epic triumph, our intrepid non-heroes get captured, and a couple of them try a semi-daring escape before getting hunted down by a half-hearted posse back in the States.

At least, that's what the plot seems to indicate. Mostly, "Red Zone Cuba" just meanders from scene to scene, without much differentiation between one setting and the next. In fact, if this film is to be believed, Cuba is just a little town in the California desert. And I think the guy with the cigar and glued-on beard is supposed to be Fidel Castro.

Best Line:
"I'm Cherokee Jack!"

Side Note:
Apparently Cherokee Jack's plane is still in use, and is currently being flown out of a small airport in Alaska.

Companion Viewing:
"The Beast of Yucca Flats" (1961) and "Invasion U.S.A." (1952).

Links:
IMDb.
The Agony Booth.
Daddy-O's Drive-In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Just try to be entertained. I dare you:

Red Zone Cuba: the first 5 minutes @ Yahoo! Video

The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 4: Gamera vs. Barugon (1966).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #K04 and #304, "Gamera vs. Barugon." (Originally published March 9, 2009):

The Scoop:
The flying turtle madness continues!

Let's move on to the second installment in the Gamera franchise, "Gamera vs. Barugon." This time around not only is the action in color, but Gamera also makes the leap from nuclear-spawned menace to friendly protector of the Earth, just like Godzilla did in his series a decade earlier.

The bad guy role is filled by Barugon, a four-legged dinosaur/lizard/dog type thing who shoots a hilariously non-menacing rainbow ray from his back, and who can also freeze things with his tongue. Quite the odd combination, but trust me, this is one of least strange things we'll see in this series.

Some treasure hunters set the plot in motion when they bring a giant opal back to civilization, only to discover that the opal is actually an egg. Pretty soon, out pops Barugon, who proceeds to stomp the crap out of the parts of Tokyo that hadn't previously been stomped in the other kaiju movies. Finally, Gamera shows up to put the critter in his place.

On the human side we get the usual roles we're used to seeing in these movies -- committed scientist, bland girlfriend, rigid military brass, etc. They're played ably enough by the likes of Kojiro Hondo, Kyoko Emani, Yuzo Hayakawa and Takuya Fujioka, but there's really not much for them to do. Even Gamera doesn't get much to do other than show up at the end to lay the smack down.

This is pretty much the Barugon show from start to finish, resulting in what is easily the most boring of the Gamera series.

Best Line:
"That monster destroys everything with his tongue!"

Side Note:
The original Japanese title is "Daikaiju Keto: Gamera tai Barugon" (literally translated, "Giant Monster Duel: Gamera Against Barugon"). When American International Pictures bought the film for U.S. distribution in the late 1960s, they cut 14 minutes of footage and retitled it "War of the Monsters." In the 1980s, Sandy Frank secured the video distribution rights. He restored the missing footage, redubbed the dialogue and retitled the whole thing "Gamera vs. Barugon." So which version should you see? Frankly, it doesn't really matter since the missing footage is so yawn-inducing, it doesn't actually detract from the movie. But it sure makes it go by quicker.

Companion Viewing:
Any other Gamera or Godzilla film you can get your hands on.

Links:
IMDb.
1,000 Misspent Hours.
The Shrine of Gamera.

Take a Look:
The opening titles:


The MST3K version (from their KTMA season):

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 3: The Mole People (1956).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #803, "The Mole People." (Originally published Feb. 6, 2009):

The Scoop:
How dreary can the subterranean world be? Very.

This lovely little film starts off with a professor giving the audience a strange, rambling lecture on the history of various crackpot theories about ancient civilizations underground. When the story finally gets started, we find an archeological team headed by smug know-it-all John Agar that discovers an underground colony of albino Sumerians and their mole-like slaves. Agar's sidekicks include Hugh Beaumont (TV's Ward Cleaver) and the evil underground high priest is Alan Napier (best known as Alfred the Butler from the "Batman" TV series).

When the heroes' chief weapon in a flashlight, you know you're in trouble.

Luckily, this foolishness doesn't last long before the mole slaves revolt, the albino society crumbles and Agar and Beaumont escape in just the nick of time, along with their Sumerian love interest, played by the luscious Cynthia Patrick.

"The Mole People" isn't as bad as some critics make it out to be, but that's not saying it's a good film, either. Director Virgil Vogel put together a solid, if unremarkable, genre piece that only suffers because some of the absurdities in László Görög's script. If you can get past the questionable science and the fact that the mole people look like beatniks dressed for trick-or-treating, it's not a bad little film.

Best Line:
"Do you think anybody's ever tried to smoke dried mushrooms?"

Side Note:
The professor from the beginning is Dr. Frank Baxter, who in the mid='50s left his job teaching English at the University of Southern California to lend his authoritative aura to introducing various educational TV shows. In addition to his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, he was also the recipient of the first ever Golden Gavel from Toastmasters International.

Companion Viewing:
"She" (1935).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Science! Brilliant!:


The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 2: The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #621, "The Beast of Yucca Flats." (Originally published April 8, 2008):

The Scoop:
Forget about all the hype about "Plan 9 From Outer Space" being the worst movie of all time. There are plenty of other contenders for that title that are far more deserving, and "The Beast of Yucca Flats" is one of them.

Not only is this writer/director (and bottom-of-the-barrel-scraper) Coleman Francis' first film (produced by good pal and eternal lead actor Anthony Cardoza), but it also stars the inimitable Tor Johnson. A respected nuclear scientist (played by Johnson, which immediately shoots down any credibility the film might have) wanders too close to an A-bomb test and is turned feral. It's then up to the local sheriff and a pal to hunt him down.

Or something.

Believe me, after five minutes, you won't even bother to keep track of the plot anymore. That's because what plot there is simply involves the actors wandering aimlessly about the desert landscape to no good purpose. And because all the audio got accidentally erased during postproduction, all the dialogue is summarized in nonsensical voice-over narration.

There was nowhere for Francis' career to go from here but up. So his two follow-up movies -- "The Skydivers" from 1963 and 1966's "Night Train to Mundo Fine" (better known as "Red Zone Cuba") -- are still incompetent in their own right, but at least are a marked improvement over this one. Simply having meaningful action and onscreen dialogue will do that.

Best Line:
"Flag on the moon. How did it get there?"

Side Note:
Between directing projects, Francis tried to make his living as a bit actor, playing blink-and-you'll-miss-them parts in a number of films, including "This Island Earth" (1954) and "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" (1970).

Companion Viewing:
"The Creeping Terror" (1964).

Links:
IMDb.
The Astounding B-Monster's interview with Anthony Cardoza.
Daddy-O's Drive In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Thrill to this exciting hand-to-hand combat!


The YouTube gods have blessed us with the entire film. Repay them by watching it, won't you?


The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 1: Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (1985).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #1006, "Boggy Creek II." (Originally published Feb. 19, 2008):

The Scoop:
"Gross-out" movies may be all the rage these days, but simply making poop jokes or constructing horror scenarios that break a few taboos is not all that gross. True grossness comes from other, somewhat unexpected places, usually involving ugly people and their bodily functions. Something like this movie.

Although it is labeled part two, this film is actually the third in the series about the Boggy Creek Creature, a sorry attempt to build a horror franchise around an allegedly real Bigfoot-like monster that stalks the Arkansas wetlands. The plot this time around concerns a University of Arkansas researcher who takes some of his students into the wilderness to find the monster. Mostly he just relates incidents from the earlier movies, from which footage is taken to pad out the running time.

But this has the distinction of being probably the grossest movie you'll ever see. There are lots of inbred hillbilly stereotypes, big hairy guys without much clothes, ugly people sweating profusely, and the piece de resistance -- a hick so scared by the creature that he steps in his own diarrhea in the outhouse and has to have his wife hose him off. The Arkansas Tourism Board has their work cut out for them to counteract the effects of this movie.

Best Line:
"I've seen the little creature!"

Side Note:
Written, produced, directed and starring Charles B. Pierce, who made a string of low budget crap in the '70s and early '80s. Most of the films featured Jimmy Clem, the fat, ugly guy who plays Crenshaw in this movie.

Companion Viewing:
"The Legend of Boggy Creek" (1972), "Return to Boggy Creek (1977), "The Giant Spider Invasion" (1975) and "Squirm" (1976).

Links:
IMDb.
Some information on the Fouke Monster, the inspiration for the films.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The MST3K version:

I Walked With a Zombie (1943).

The Scoop:
This is, quite simply, the greatest voodoo movie ever made. I realize that's not saying much, given the consistently sorry state of the genre, but even if they weren't all so bad, this film would stand out above the rest.

One of greatest triumphs of legendary producer Val Lewton and director Jacques Tourneur, the story follows Frances Dee as a nurse who travels to Haiti to care for the comatose wife of plantation owner Tom Conway. But the wife's condition isn't necessarily medically explainable, and the nurse turns to the local voodoo priest for help.

Lewton was a master at taking lurid b-movie fare and turning it into moody, exciting art. His best work came in a short stretch in World War II during his partnership Tourneur. The pair created a singular aesthetic that seemed to work every time out. "I Walked With a Zombie is a prime example -- their trademark creepy atmospherics and a complicated love triangle highlight this classic -- but "Cat People," "The Ghost Ship" or "Bedlam" would work just as well. So just watch them all.

Best Bit:
The first walk across the cane fields.

Side Note:
Very, very loosely based on Charlotte Brontë's novel "Jane Eyre."

Companion Viewing:
"White Zombie" (1932), "Cat People" (1942) and "The Seventh Victim" (1943).

Links:
IMDb.
The screenplay.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Roky Erickson's classic (and much covered) tune, based on the movie:

Uncle Sam (1996).

The Scoop:
Celebrities can do embarrassing things when they're down on their luck. So, before Robert Forster got a career boost from being in "Jackie Brown" and Isaac Hayes got one from being on "South Park," they both starred in this slasher dreck.

Sam (David Shark Fralick), a Gulf War vet who is bitter because he was killed by friendly fire in Iraq (hey, who wouldn't be?), returns from the dead on the Fourth of July to terrorize a generic Small Midwestern Town. Sam's worshipful nephew must team up with Sam's old army buddy Chef (er, I mean Jed, played by Hayes, who doesn't even get to sing here) and a blind kid in a wheelchair to stop him. Forster is a politician of some sort who gets to die one of the most humiliating deaths in slasher-dom. Joining them on the humiliation train are Timothy Bottoms, P.J. Soles and Bo Hopkins.

The script by veteran schlockmeister Larry Cohen is not even up to his usual z-grade standards and the direction by William Lustig is just as bad. The effects are especially low-rent -- in one shot, the strings are literally showing. Good for laughs, but not scares.

More interesting to me, though, is that "Uncle Sam" was shot almost entirely in my (adoptive) hometown of La Verne, California. Lots of films have been shot here over the years -- almost all of them better -- but none of them show quite as many recognizable locations as this one. All you La Vernians who read this blog should really check out the film so you can see plenty of Heritage Park, downtown (including exteriors of Warehouse Pizza) and some of the familiar houses along both D Street and Second Street.

Best Bit:
The unintentional comic relief of the blind wheelchair kid.

Side Note:
"Uncle Sam" pretty much put an end to future film production in La Verne. When the crew set off some major pyrotechnics at 2 a.m. one night on a residential street without informing anyone beforehand -- resulting in lots of broken house windows and angry neighbors -- the city council stopped granting film permits.

Companion Viewing:
"Jack Frost" (1997).

Links:
IMDb.
Eccentric Cinema.
All Things Zombie.

Take a Look:
The trailer:

Festival Express (1970).

The Scoop:
The stretch from about 1967 to 1971 was a hotbed for innovative music, and it was the heyday of the festival concert. But it was also the heyday of the concert film, and every festival worth its name – Woodstock, Monterey Pop, Big Sur, even Altamont – had a film attached. The result of this huge archive of film, of course, is a valuable time capsule of that era. “Festival Express” is a latter-day addition to that genre.

In the summer of 1970, a short festival tour was organized across Canada, featuring the Grateful Dead, The Band, Janis Joplin, Buddy Guy, Ian & Sylvia, the Flying Burrito Brothers, Bonnie & Delaney, Sha Na Na and Mashmakhan. (Traffic and Ten Years After also were part of the tour, but don't appear in the film due to a conflict over music rights.) Everyone on the bill traveled together by train across country. It was an arrangement that was clearly a hit with the performers, who created a traveling commune, spending the long days living, eating and, most importantly, jamming together. And the film crew was there for all of it.

The tour itself was a financial disaster, not just because of the expense of the train, but also because it was dogged by protests and bad press along the way from kids who demanded that all the shows be free. The business side wound up in chaos, which is why all the film footage of the tour ended up on the shelf for more than 30 years. Which is a shame, because the footage is fantastic.

With the benefit of three decades of hindsight, director Bob Smeaton includes new interviews with the promoters and many of the performers to put the footage in context. But at times the interviews intrude too much. The film is at its best when the footage from 1970 speaks for itself. The live performances are uniformly excellent, as the musicians were obviously energized by the creative cauldron inside that train (which a couple of the interviewees describe as “heaven”). But the real treat is the train footage, which is full of great jamming from a host of talented musicians, and which also offers an extensive offstage glimpse of the people involved – something the other classic concert films of the era can’t match.

Especially poignant are the performances by Joplin. She was at the top of her game, and because she died shortly after the tour, these are among her last ever performances.

Regardless of whether you’re a fan of the era, “Festival Express” is still a must-see if you’re a fan of live music. Plus, there’s lots of rail footage too if you’re a fan of train movies, so everyone wins!

Best Bit:
The liquor run in Saskatoon.

Side Note:
The guitar used by Jerry Garcia during "C.C. Rider" is the same one that was played by George Harrison during the Beatles' rooftop farewell performance the year before.

Companion Viewing:
"Woodstock" (1970) and "Monterey Pop" (1968).

Links:
IMDb.
Official site.
DocumentaryFilms.net.

Take a Look:
The Grateful Dead perform "C.C. Rider" with Ian & Sylvia and others:


The Band doing "Slippin' and Slidin'":


Rick Danko, Janis Joplin, Jerry Garcia, Bob Weir and others jam on "Ain't No More Cane":

Kill the Umpire (1950).

The Scoop:
William Bendix was a fantastic character actor who built a fine career in the 1940s and 1950s playing distinctive supporting parts in a variety of different films. He specialized in playing gun-toting heavies in classics like “The Blue Dahia” and “The Glass Key,” as well as playing the lovable schlub/best buddy in plenty of war movies. Unfortunately, he didn’t get to tackle lead roles too often, but when he did (most memorably in "The Life of Riley" and as the Sultan of Swat in “The Babe Ruth Story”) it was always worth a watch.

That’s why his presence is the best thing about the otherwise forgettable “Kill the Umpire.”

Bendix plays Bill Johnson, a former ballplayer who still gets so wrapped up in the game that he can’t keep a steady job because he keeps sneaking off to the ballpark during work hours. After losing one too many jobs, his wife threatens to leave him if he doesn’t do something to shape up. Bill’s father in law, a retired major league umpire, comes up with the idea of sending Bill to umpiring school so that he can make a living in the game he loves. What follows is a lot of slapsticky, sitcom-ish comedy and moralizing about the importance and integrity of umpires as Bill finally finds a steady life for himself.

The script by Frank Tashlin and direction by Lloyd Bacon are amiable and competent, but also silly and predictable. (When the opening theme incorporates the melody of “Three Blind Mice,” you know exactly what you’re in for.) Baseball has been a constant presence on the big screen since the beginning, but stories focusing on umpires have been rare, so it’s good to see that aspect of the game highlighted, even if it’s only superficially.

And it lets Bendix put his flair for comedy to work. Plus he’s surrounded by a solid cast of fellow character actors (lots of familiar faces, including Ray Collins, Una Merkel and William Hawley) who do a lot to save the film from itself. But ultimately “Kill the Umpire” falls a little flat with its ridiculous situations and hokey theme.

It’s a treat to see Bendix get a chance to carry a film himself, even if the material doesn’t live up to his talents.

Best Bit:
The three-headed steer. (Don’t ask.)

Side Note:
The uncredited actor playing Harry Shea, the catcher whose bobbled play is at the center of the rhubarb at the end of the film, is none other than Alan Hale Jr.

Companion Viewing:
"Safe at Home" (1961).

Links:
IMDb.
AZ Snakepit.

Take a Look:
The trailer:

The Hidden Fortress (1958).

The Scoop:
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before – a grizzled warrior must help a feisty princess escape from the clutches of an evil empire, with the help of a pair of bumbling accomplices who prove to be heroic in spite of themselves.

That’s the plot of Akira Kurosawa’s wonderful “The Hidden Fortress.” But throw in a naïve farm boy, an amoral smuggler and a Wookiee and you’ve got seed for Obi-Wan Kenobi’s rescue of Princess Leia from the Death Star in “Star Wars.” George Lucas has famously cited “The Hidden Fortress” as the inspiration for his first “Star Wars” story, from which the rest of his complicated universe sprang.

Besides the spine of the plot, several other details were borrowed by Lucas, especially the early scenes introducing bickering peasant buddies Tahei and Matakishi, which resurfaced in R2-D2 and C-3PO’s adventures on Tatooine.

But while it’s fun to play “spot the inspiration,” it’s a mistake to judge “The Hidden Fortress” solely in the light of “Star Wars.” It’s another rousing samurai adventure from Kurosawa that more than stands on its own.

Toshiro Mifune is incredible as always as Makabe, the wise, battle weary general who must protect tomboyish teenage Princess Yuki (Misa Uehara) and her kingdom’s stash of gold, then smuggle them to safety in neighboring Hayawaka. Their native land of Azikuzi has been overrun by armies from Yamana, but once in Hayakawa, Yuki will be able to use the told to rebuild her army and take back her lands.

They find their ticket out with appearance of Tahei (Minoru Chiaki) and Matakishi (Kamatari Fujiwara), who just want to escape from the war and return to their homes in Hayakawa. Thanks to their unwitting assistance, the foursome is able to stay one step ahead of the pursuing Yamana soldiers, but not without plenty of hardship and comic relief on the way.

This isn’t Kurosawa’s best samurai epic, nor is it one of the first that springs to mind when thinking about his classics – but don’t consider that an insult. “The Hidden Fortress” easily stands alongside the likes of “The Seven Samurai,” “Yojimbo” or “Rashomon.” But if it doesn’t quite reach their heights, it’s still better than most other action/adventure fare from lesser directors. Kurosawa was one of the masters of cinema; we’d expect nothing less from him.

Best Bit:
The escape on horseback.

Side Note:
It wouldn't be a Kurosawa samurai classic without Mifune -- the two made 16 films together in a 17 year stretch from 1948 to 1965.

Companion Viewing:
"Star Wars – Episode IV: A New Hope" (1977) and "The Seven Samurai" (1954).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The Japanese trailer:


The big duel:

Scooby Doo: The Mystery Begins (2009).

The Scoop:
So why waste your time on this? What’s the point of bothering with a made-for-cable, third generation live action adaptation of a hack cartoon, which is squarely aimed at tweens? Really, why bother?

Well, it turns out that this disposable entertainment has a thing or two to recommend it.

A Cartoon Network original, “The Mystery Begins” is the third live action version of “Scooby Doo,” following two big budget big screen stinkers. It’s a prequel, telling the story of how the gang got together at Coolsville High School and solved their first mystery together.

Unadoptable shelter dog Scooby (voiced by Frank Welker) accidentally gets sprung from his cage and runs off in search of someone who’ll take him in. He wanders through a cemetery at night, where he sees two ghosts rising from their graves. In a panic, he runs right through the basement bedroom window of high school burnout Shaggy (Nick Palatas) who naturally takes a liking to him and tries to sneak him into school the next day in human clothes. This winds up causing a free-for-all in the school bus, which eventually lands Shaggy in detention with football team captain Fred (Robbie Amell), drama club diva Daphne (Kate Melton) and brainy geek Velma (Hayley Kiyoko). Of course, the ghosts pick that exact time to disrupt the school pep rally, and the chase is on.

The “mystery” is just as paper-thin as you’d expect, both from a “Scooby Doo” story and a tween movie. But it’s the small, fresh details that keep this from being a complete waste.

Most intriguing is the dynamic between the four kids which -- not only because it grows out of detention hall, but also because of the way it develops the relationships between members of four different high school social cliques – owes a big debt to “The Breakfast Club.” It’s actually hand led quite well for tween fluff, and the cast nails it with gusto. This is where the real story is, not in the formulaic ghost hunting shenanigans.

The interesting upshot of this is that it makes the title character almost entirely irrelevant in his own movie. Unfortunately, director Brian Levant and writers Daniel Altiere and Steven Altiere try to compensate for this by making Scooby completely obnoxious, thrusting him into all sorts of situations where he isn’t needed, and making him the vehicle of lots of sophomoric, unfunny humor. That’s all bad enough, but to top it all off, the CGI work on Scooby is atrocious.

There are also some obligatory details, like the origins of the Mystery Machine (which is pretty much what you’d expect) and Scooby Snacks (which is actually a nice little twist. And Shaggy’s status as a flat-out stoner is hinted at even more strongly than before (but because this is still ostensibly children’s entertainment, he still can’t be shown for what he really is).

However, some entertaining new wrinkles are added. Like the fact that Shaggy is a few years older than the others and, thanks to being held back in school so much, is basically an adult still attending high school. Or the casting of Velma as an Asian.

However the biggest departure from the “Scooby” mythos is that the ghosts are actual undead spirits, and not mere mechanical tricks. But don’t feel too disoriented – the villain behind those vengeful spirits is straight out of the Hanna-Barbera playbook and even gets to deliver the signature “meddling kids” line after his capture. Because there are some classics you just don’t want to mess with.

Best Bit:
The gang's ridiculously over-the-top undercover disguises -- Daphne as a goth, Fred in hip hop gear (think Brian Austin Green), Velma as a hot chick, and Shaggy and Scooby as trash cans.

Side Note:
Welker is a veteran cartoon voice actor who has been working steadily since the 1960s. His roles include most of the Decepticons in the original "Transformers" series and numerous roles in "Tiny Toon Adventures" and "Animaniacs" -- not to mention playing Fred in the original "Scooby Doo" series.

Companion Viewing:
The original Hanna Barbera cartoons from the early 1970s.

Links:
IMDb.
Official site.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Hayley Kiyoko's video blog, made during production:

The Green Slime (1968).

The Scoop:
Flora, a “class two asteroid” suddenly takes a left turn starts hurtling toward a collision course with Earth. The only man qualified to stop this menace and save the world is studly rocket jock Jack Rankin (Robert Horton), who must team up with arch-nemesis Capt. Elliott (Richard Jaeckel) to destroy the killer rock. They’re successful, but they find out on the way home that they’ve mistakenly picked up an alien slime that spawns silly tentacle creatures with a taste for human flesh. Meanwhile, in between rousing bouts of square-jawed heroism, Rankin and Elliott fight over sexy doctor Lisa Benson (Luciana Paluzzi).

So basically, this starts out as “Armageddon” and then turns into “Alien.”

This Japanese production is filled with the cheap effects and clunky performances you’d expect from your favorite Godzilla movie, but with a cast of American and Italian actors. It’s completely laugh-worthy, of course, but the best thing about it is the swinging title by Richard Delvy, quite possibly the best theme song of any movie ever.

Best Bit:
Besides the theme song? It's the groovy welcome back party. It's too swingin' for Earth, so they had to hold it on a space station.

Side Note:
All the extras are American military personnel who were based in Japan at the time.

Companion Viewing:
"The Wild, Wild Planet" (1965).

Links:
IMDb.
BadMovies.org.
Monster Island News.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The theme song!

Night of the Lepus (1972).

The Scoop:
Starring Stuart Whitman, Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelley, Rory Calhoun and some of the deadliest rabbits outside of Monty Python, “Night of the Lepus” is one of the pioneering films in the ‘70s wave of eco-horror films and, needless to say, probably the silliest.

When Arizona rancher Cole Hillman’s (Calhoun) land is overrun with rabbits, he gets his university president pal Elgin Clark (Kelley) to call in heroic wildlife researchers Roy and Gerry Bennett (Whitman and Leigh) to find a nonpoisonous, environmentally friendly way to control the population. Unfortunately, the couple’s daughter Amanda (Melanie Fullerton) switches around some of the rabbits her parents are experimenting on, resulting in a plague of giant man-eating bunnies terrorizing the desert Southwest.

Director William F. Claxton and writers Don Holliday and Gene R. Kearney (working from what must be an absurd novel by Russell Braddon) throw in just about every genre cliché available, and while there is the occasional good moment, it’s just not enough. The fairly talented cast just sleepwalks through every scene and the script lets a lot of important pieces of plot happen offscreen. And no matter how much the breathless introduction tries to convince us how threatening rabbits can be, it’s all undercut by the ridiculous premise and bad slow motion effects.

“Night of the Lepus” is definitely a must-watch, but for all the wrong reasons.

Best Bit:
The bunny attack inside the miner’s shack.

Side Note:
The studio was afraid that if the audience knew the movie was about killer rabbits, they wouldn't watch it. So the novel's title ("The Year of the Angry Rabbit") was changed and no rabbits appeared on the original theater posters.

Companion Viewing:
"Kingdom of the Spiders" (1977).

Links:
IMDb.
The Agony Booth.
BadMovies.org.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Some random clips:

Charade (1963).

The Scoop:
Two of Hollywood's classic romantic leads, Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn, team up for this great suspense thriller, their only cinematic pairing.

Hepburn is Regina Lampert, a widow who discovers that her dead husband had a secret past and a big stash of hidden loot. Pretty soon, all his old cohorts are chasing her through Paris and it's up to Grant to save her -- if she can trust him. Where's the money hidden? Who will the killer strike next? The viewer is kept guessing right up to the end and Hepburn and Grant keep the romantic sparks flying. The supporting cast is filled with familiar faces, including James Coburn, George Kennedy and Walter Matthau.

Produced and directed by Stanley Donen, best known for his musicals, "Charade" is smart, witty and stylish. The script by Peter Stone is great, as is the music by Henry Mancini. Top notch all the way. This is one of the best films Hitchcock never made.

Best Bit:
Just pick any bit of banter between Hepburn and Grant. It's all great.

Side Note:
At the British Academy Awards, this performance earned Grant a nomination for Best Foreign Actor -- even though he was born and raised in London.

Companion Viewing:
"Suspicion" (1941) and "The Usual Suspects" (1995).

Links:
IMDb.
Sweet Sunday Mornings.
The screenplay.

Take a Look:
The deadpan trailer:


Time for a shower!

Succubus: Hell Bent (2007).

The Scoop:
Can I cut to the chase here? This movie is a big old freakin' waste of time. As a serious horror/thriller, it's a complete pile of twaddle. As a campy bad movie laughfest, it has a few moments, but mostly fails at that too.

While on spring break in Cancun, a completely douchey womanizing film student cleverly named Adam (Robert Mann) meets a mysterious hottie cleverly named Lilith (Natalie Denise Sperl). When he returns home, she turns up at one of his parties and starts leaving corpses in her wake. Turns out she's a succubus, a female demon who consumes the souls of men. (In case you weren't tipped off to that by the title, it's literally spelled out for you in the movie. Literally. Because nothing says "tense climactic battle" like a little impromptu spelling bee.) Sperl isn't so bad as Lilith, and is even kind of sexy. But everything else about the movie is just plain wrong.

The brain child of writer/director Kim Bass (who got his start writing for "In Living Color," oddly enough) is completely amateurish on every level. The script is horrible and cliché-ridden, the direction and editing are muddled, and the acting is wooden at best. All the male actors look like they came out of the same cookie cutter from Pricks 'R' Us. And for a movie with a lot of sex in it, there's absolutely no nudity. You do get to see plenty of Mann's pasty, mole-filled back, though.

"Succubus: Hell Bent" is completely insulting to women, film students, ambulance drivers and most other intelligent people. Oh, and did I mention that there's a demonic fighter jet dogfight? Betcha weren't expecting that!

Save yourself and get out now!

Best Bit:
Gary Busey's cameo as the whacked-out demon hunter. I'm not sure Busey knew he was really shooting a movie. Also look for really horrible cameos by David Keith, Lorenzo Lamas and Kelly Hu.

Side Note:
Want a mythology lesson? Here are the real stories behind succubi and Lilith.

Companion Viewing:
"Serpent's Lair" (1995).

Links:
IMDb.
Official site.
Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews.
1,000 Misspent Hours.

Take a Look:
The trailer. You've got to love any movie in which the leads are the last two actors credited, and the first four combined have about 10 minutes of screen time, max:

Can't Stop the Music (1980).

The Scoop:
Forget "Vegas in Space." Forget "Paris is Burning." Hell, even forget "Purple Rain." This is officially the gayest movie ever made.

It's the same old trying-to-be-a-star plot that's been rehashed far too many times, but this time is stars the Village People on the downside of their popularity. And the fact that they seem to be trying so hard to convince the world that they're not gay just makes the flames coming out of the screen that much more obvious. Add to that the bad dialogue, flashy disco costumes (which, the film would have us believe, the guys wear in their daily lives, too) and the career launch of Steve Gutenberg as a struggling composer, and you've got a righteous stinker. A flaming stinker, even.

Want to know who to blame? How about producer/writer Allen Carr, director Nancy Walker, and of course the Village People's musical svengali, Jacques Morali.

This is one of the quintessential bad movies.

Best Line:
"James is the name, and flame's my game!"

Best Musical Number:
The deliriously campy "Y.M.C.A." number, which is (sadly) the only one of their good hits that made it into the film.

Side Note:
Gutenberg's character, Jack Morrell, is just a thinly-veiled version Morali.

Companion Viewing:
"Breaking 2: Electric Boogaloo" (1984), "Purple Rain" (1984) and "Glitter" (2001).

Links:
IMDb.
Cool Cinema Trash.

Take a Look:
The fabulous trailer!


Do the Milshake!


Let's do the Y.M.C.A.!

The Wild Angels (1966).

The Scoop:
For one brief, shining moment this was the quintessential Biker Movie -- until the release of the far superior "Easy Rider" a few years later.

Peter Fonda plays Heavenly Blues, the leader of a biker gang from Southern California. When his buddy Loser (Bruce Dern) gets his bike stolen, they try to retrieve it, only for Loser to wind up badly hurt in the hospital. The gang tries to bust him out, only to have Loser die in the process. They hold a makeshift funeral and have a mourning party in an old church, which eventually leads to a confrontation with the local upstanding conservative citizens. And that's it. Pretty basic, really. Nancy Sinatra and Diane Ladd co-star in the obligatory girlfriend roles, while the rest of the gang is made up of various B-movie misfits and hangers-on.

While the plot and characters of "The Wild Angels" don't amount to much, the attitude and celebration of biker culture shine through. Despite its poor production values, it is a classic of its kind.

Best Line:
"We want to be free! Free to do what we want to do! We want to be free to ride! To ride our machines without being hassled by the man! We want to get loaded! And we want to have a good time! And that's what we're gonna do! We're gonna have a good time! We're gonna have a party!"

Side Note:
Rumor has it that Laura Dern was conceived on the set of this one.

Companion Viewing:
"Easy Rider" (1969) and "The Wild One" (1954).

Links:
IMDb.
Motherfucking Masterpieces.

Take a Look:
The opener:


Party!


Peter Fonda sticks it to The Man in one of the all-time great movie speeches:

The Notorious Bettie Page (2005).

The Scoop:
Unlike “Bettie Page: Dark Angel,” this can be considered a true biopic of the iconic pinup queen. However, also unlike that film, “The Notorious Bettie Page” lacks a bit of sizzle.

Yet that’s not to say that Mary Harron’s film isn’t worth watching. Particularly exciting is Gretchen Mol’s performance in the title role. For all her fame and influence, Bettie Page is an idol who is frozen in amber for us. All we know of her comes from hundreds of still photographs and just a few film shorts, most of which are devoted more to particular fetishes rather than Bettie’s own considerable personality – and all of which came for just a short period of her life.

But Mol fills in the blanks wonderfully well. She bears a remarkable resemblance to Bettie and recreates the photogenic personality we know from all those pinups. But she also expands on that to bring to life a complex character who maintains a childlike innocence about her powerful sexuality, but who enjoys exercising it nonetheless. Plus, she’s not afraid to go the full monty with a refreshing exuberance.

The supporting cast -- which includes Chris Bauer as Irving Klaw, Lili Taylor as Paula Klaw, and David Straithairn as Sen. Estes Kefauver – is also excellent.

Also of note is the cinematography of Mott Hupfel. His rich black and white photography creates a gritty, noir-esque vision of 1950s New York that also faithfully recreates the look and feel of Page’s pinup work with the Klaws. For the Miami sequences, Hupfel switches to a brilliant, pastel-filled color palette that matches the sunny world of Bunny Yeager’s photos of Bettie.

So where’s the problem? Mostly it’s in the screenplay by Harron and Guinivere Turner, who also teamed up for "American Psycho." There is an evocative opening sequence introducing us to the world of 1950s adult bookstores, but the script quickly devolves from there into a clichéd naïve-country-girl-in-the-big-city take on Page’s pinup career. While we see all of the key moments in Bettie’s life from her start in modeling in New York in 1953 to her religious awakening in Miami in 1959, there is not depth or understanding to it. Also absent are all but a few hints of some of the darker, more extreme aspects of Page’s combustible sexuality.

Nowhere does the film really get under Bettie’s skin. So, consequently, it can’t get under the audience’s skin either. At the end of the film, Page remains just as much of a mystery to us as she was at the beginning, despite Mol’s best efforts to give us a glimpse at the real Bettie Page.

The film also avoids dealing with the mess of Page’s post-modeling life, which included evangelic missions, paranoid schizophrenia, an attempted murder trial, years in a psychiatric institution, followed by some messy copyright battles over her image in the 1990s. (She died in seclusion in 2008 at the age of 85). But that’s just as well, because that’s not the Bettie Page we want to remember.

We want to remember the Bettie staring back at us from all those classic pinup shots – energetic, confident and just as enticing to men as to women, generation after generation. “The Notorious Bettie Page” makes a spirited effort to capture that Bettie, but falls just a bit short.

Best Line:
"I'm not ashamed. Adam and Eve were naked in the Garden of Eden, weren't they? When they sinned, they put on clothes."

Side Note:
This film is filled with improper camera technique on the part of the actors playing the photographers. While most of the cameras being used are period accurate, the actors are just waving them around without any clue of how they were supposed to be handled.

Companion Viewing:
"Bettie Page: Dark Angel" (2004) and "I Shot Andy Warhol" (1996).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


RAWR!