Turkey Day Marathon, Day 5: Red Zone Cuba (1966).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #619, "Red Zone Cuba." (Originally published Aug. 7, 2009):

The Scoop:
This is yet another Coleman Francis/Anthony Cardoza turd, only this time it is apparently Francis' grand artistic statement.

Back in the '60s and '70s, just about anybody could get John Carradine to appear in their film for about the cost of a ham sandwich, so Francis apparently blew his budget on that, and then wasted the whole thing in the first two minutes of the movie. In the opening scene, Carradine turns up as a grizzled railway worker who is telling this story to a nondescript bystander. After this incredibly short day's work, Carradine disappears from the movie forever, but not before croaking the horrendously awful theme song.

From there, the real story starts. An escaped convict (played by the auteur himself, who also wrote, directed, produced and edited this red-baiting debacle) gets mixed up with five or six revolutionaries who try to invade Cuba. After an excursion that makes the Bay of Pigs look like an epic triumph, our intrepid non-heroes get captured, and a couple of them try a semi-daring escape before getting hunted down by a half-hearted posse back in the States.

At least, that's what the plot seems to indicate. Mostly, "Red Zone Cuba" just meanders from scene to scene, without much differentiation between one setting and the next. In fact, if this film is to be believed, Cuba is just a little town in the California desert. And I think the guy with the cigar and glued-on beard is supposed to be Fidel Castro.

Best Line:
"I'm Cherokee Jack!"

Side Note:
Apparently Cherokee Jack's plane is still in use, and is currently being flown out of a small airport in Alaska.

Companion Viewing:
"The Beast of Yucca Flats" (1961) and "Invasion U.S.A." (1952).

Links:
IMDb.
The Agony Booth.
Daddy-O's Drive-In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Just try to be entertained. I dare you:

Red Zone Cuba: the first 5 minutes @ Yahoo! Video

The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 4: Gamera vs. Barugon (1966).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #K04 and #304, "Gamera vs. Barugon." (Originally published March 9, 2009):

The Scoop:
The flying turtle madness continues!

Let's move on to the second installment in the Gamera franchise, "Gamera vs. Barugon." This time around not only is the action in color, but Gamera also makes the leap from nuclear-spawned menace to friendly protector of the Earth, just like Godzilla did in his series a decade earlier.

The bad guy role is filled by Barugon, a four-legged dinosaur/lizard/dog type thing who shoots a hilariously non-menacing rainbow ray from his back, and who can also freeze things with his tongue. Quite the odd combination, but trust me, this is one of least strange things we'll see in this series.

Some treasure hunters set the plot in motion when they bring a giant opal back to civilization, only to discover that the opal is actually an egg. Pretty soon, out pops Barugon, who proceeds to stomp the crap out of the parts of Tokyo that hadn't previously been stomped in the other kaiju movies. Finally, Gamera shows up to put the critter in his place.

On the human side we get the usual roles we're used to seeing in these movies -- committed scientist, bland girlfriend, rigid military brass, etc. They're played ably enough by the likes of Kojiro Hondo, Kyoko Emani, Yuzo Hayakawa and Takuya Fujioka, but there's really not much for them to do. Even Gamera doesn't get much to do other than show up at the end to lay the smack down.

This is pretty much the Barugon show from start to finish, resulting in what is easily the most boring of the Gamera series.

Best Line:
"That monster destroys everything with his tongue!"

Side Note:
The original Japanese title is "Daikaiju Keto: Gamera tai Barugon" (literally translated, "Giant Monster Duel: Gamera Against Barugon"). When American International Pictures bought the film for U.S. distribution in the late 1960s, they cut 14 minutes of footage and retitled it "War of the Monsters." In the 1980s, Sandy Frank secured the video distribution rights. He restored the missing footage, redubbed the dialogue and retitled the whole thing "Gamera vs. Barugon." So which version should you see? Frankly, it doesn't really matter since the missing footage is so yawn-inducing, it doesn't actually detract from the movie. But it sure makes it go by quicker.

Companion Viewing:
Any other Gamera or Godzilla film you can get your hands on.

Links:
IMDb.
1,000 Misspent Hours.
The Shrine of Gamera.

Take a Look:
The opening titles:


The MST3K version (from their KTMA season):

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 3: The Mole People (1956).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #803, "The Mole People." (Originally published Feb. 6, 2009):

The Scoop:
How dreary can the subterranean world be? Very.

This lovely little film starts off with a professor giving the audience a strange, rambling lecture on the history of various crackpot theories about ancient civilizations underground. When the story finally gets started, we find an archeological team headed by smug know-it-all John Agar that discovers an underground colony of albino Sumerians and their mole-like slaves. Agar's sidekicks include Hugh Beaumont (TV's Ward Cleaver) and the evil underground high priest is Alan Napier (best known as Alfred the Butler from the "Batman" TV series).

When the heroes' chief weapon in a flashlight, you know you're in trouble.

Luckily, this foolishness doesn't last long before the mole slaves revolt, the albino society crumbles and Agar and Beaumont escape in just the nick of time, along with their Sumerian love interest, played by the luscious Cynthia Patrick.

"The Mole People" isn't as bad as some critics make it out to be, but that's not saying it's a good film, either. Director Virgil Vogel put together a solid, if unremarkable, genre piece that only suffers because some of the absurdities in László Görög's script. If you can get past the questionable science and the fact that the mole people look like beatniks dressed for trick-or-treating, it's not a bad little film.

Best Line:
"Do you think anybody's ever tried to smoke dried mushrooms?"

Side Note:
The professor from the beginning is Dr. Frank Baxter, who in the mid='50s left his job teaching English at the University of Southern California to lend his authoritative aura to introducing various educational TV shows. In addition to his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, he was also the recipient of the first ever Golden Gavel from Toastmasters International.

Companion Viewing:
"She" (1935).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Science! Brilliant!:


The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 2: The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #621, "The Beast of Yucca Flats." (Originally published April 8, 2008):

The Scoop:
Forget about all the hype about "Plan 9 From Outer Space" being the worst movie of all time. There are plenty of other contenders for that title that are far more deserving, and "The Beast of Yucca Flats" is one of them.

Not only is this writer/director (and bottom-of-the-barrel-scraper) Coleman Francis' first film (produced by good pal and eternal lead actor Anthony Cardoza), but it also stars the inimitable Tor Johnson. A respected nuclear scientist (played by Johnson, which immediately shoots down any credibility the film might have) wanders too close to an A-bomb test and is turned feral. It's then up to the local sheriff and a pal to hunt him down.

Or something.

Believe me, after five minutes, you won't even bother to keep track of the plot anymore. That's because what plot there is simply involves the actors wandering aimlessly about the desert landscape to no good purpose. And because all the audio got accidentally erased during postproduction, all the dialogue is summarized in nonsensical voice-over narration.

There was nowhere for Francis' career to go from here but up. So his two follow-up movies -- "The Skydivers" from 1963 and 1966's "Night Train to Mundo Fine" (better known as "Red Zone Cuba") -- are still incompetent in their own right, but at least are a marked improvement over this one. Simply having meaningful action and onscreen dialogue will do that.

Best Line:
"Flag on the moon. How did it get there?"

Side Note:
Between directing projects, Francis tried to make his living as a bit actor, playing blink-and-you'll-miss-them parts in a number of films, including "This Island Earth" (1954) and "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" (1970).

Companion Viewing:
"The Creeping Terror" (1964).

Links:
IMDb.
The Astounding B-Monster's interview with Anthony Cardoza.
Daddy-O's Drive In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Thrill to this exciting hand-to-hand combat!


The YouTube gods have blessed us with the entire film. Repay them by watching it, won't you?


The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 1: Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (1985).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #1006, "Boggy Creek II." (Originally published Feb. 19, 2008):

The Scoop:
"Gross-out" movies may be all the rage these days, but simply making poop jokes or constructing horror scenarios that break a few taboos is not all that gross. True grossness comes from other, somewhat unexpected places, usually involving ugly people and their bodily functions. Something like this movie.

Although it is labeled part two, this film is actually the third in the series about the Boggy Creek Creature, a sorry attempt to build a horror franchise around an allegedly real Bigfoot-like monster that stalks the Arkansas wetlands. The plot this time around concerns a University of Arkansas researcher who takes some of his students into the wilderness to find the monster. Mostly he just relates incidents from the earlier movies, from which footage is taken to pad out the running time.

But this has the distinction of being probably the grossest movie you'll ever see. There are lots of inbred hillbilly stereotypes, big hairy guys without much clothes, ugly people sweating profusely, and the piece de resistance -- a hick so scared by the creature that he steps in his own diarrhea in the outhouse and has to have his wife hose him off. The Arkansas Tourism Board has their work cut out for them to counteract the effects of this movie.

Best Line:
"I've seen the little creature!"

Side Note:
Written, produced, directed and starring Charles B. Pierce, who made a string of low budget crap in the '70s and early '80s. Most of the films featured Jimmy Clem, the fat, ugly guy who plays Crenshaw in this movie.

Companion Viewing:
"The Legend of Boggy Creek" (1972), "Return to Boggy Creek (1977), "The Giant Spider Invasion" (1975) and "Squirm" (1976).

Links:
IMDb.
Some information on the Fouke Monster, the inspiration for the films.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The MST3K version: