Catalina Caper (1967).

The Scoop:
Get your flippy-floppies, people, because we're going on a boat!

The 1960s was awash in "Beach Party" knockoffs, and "Catalina Caper" was one of the worst of the bunch. While on a sunny summer vacation to Catalina Island, a group of groovy teens stop an inept group of upper crust thieves who are trying to smuggle some sort of valuable scroll out of the local museum, while rocking out to the occasional musical guest star. The intentions here are good and the acting and filmmaking are technically competent, but the story is a sorry mishmash.

If you're a B-movie fan, you find a lot of familiar faces here, including Tommy Kirk ("Mars Needs Women"), Del Moore ("Bachelor Father"), Jim Begg ("Village of the Giants"), Sue Casey ("Beach Girls and the Monster"), Michael Blodgett ("Beyond the Valley of the Dolls") and even Wonder Woman's" Lyle Wagonner. The musical numbers come courtesy of the Cascades, Carol Connors and the wildly out of place Little Richard.

These '60s teens-in-the-sun movies are always a fun diversion and worth your time -- even the ones with as many shortcomings as this one. It's worth checking out, even for the unintentional laughs.

Best Line:
"Look! The water fuzz!"

Side Note:
The Cascades' song "There's a New World Just Opening For Me" was written by Ray Davies of the Kinks.

Companion Viewing:
"Beach Party" (1963).

Links:
IMDb.
Daddy-O's Drive-In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Little Richard! On a boat! Singing about scuba diving! I know, right?

Rodan (1956).

The Scoop:
This is Toho's follow-up to the success of "Godzilla, King of the Monsters" (1954) and "Godzilla Raids Again" (1955), and if you can get past the endless stock footage of nuclear testing at the beginning, you're home free.

Well, almost. From there, you have to contend with the lead character's ridiculous, film noir-esque voice-over narration and a much delayed appearance of the monster (a giant winged thing that stomps on stuff, pretty much just like in every other Toho monster movie). Even by the cheesy low standards of vintage kaiju flicks, this one is pretty tepid. But on the plus side, among the American voice over cast is George ("Mr. Sulu") Takei in his first professional acting job.

Best Line:
"If this thing you call Rodan is extinct, why is it still alive?"

Side Note:
This was Toho's first full-color monster movie.

Companion Viewing:
Any other Godzilla film.

Links:
IMDb.
Monstrous.

Take a Look:
The American trailer:


Rodan hatches:

The Bloody Pit of Horror (a.k.a., The Crimson Executioner) (1965).

The Scoop:
In this bargain basement Italian production, a group of models, photographers and assorted hangers-on visit an old castle for a photo shoot, only to run into the demented owner who thinks he's possessed by the spirit of the Crimson Executioner, a 17th century torturer.

Despite the poor acting and technical incompetence, this is charming in its own sleazy way and is most notable for the presence of Mickey (Mr. Jayne Mansfield) Hargitay, who plays the owner. He camps it up big time, and the camera obviously loves his oiled-up body. He's the highlight of the movie, although the torture and titillation, which are very tame by today's standards, hold a certain cheesy charm on their own terms.

Don't you dare call yourself a bad movie lover if you haven't seen this one yet.

Best Line:
"Mankind is made up of inferior creatures, spiritually and physically deformed, who would have corrupted the harmony of my perfect body."

Side Note:
Hartigay won the Mr. Universe title in 1955 and followed that up with a string of B-movies, including "Hercules vs. the Hydra" and "Lady Frankenstein." His rocky six-year marriage to Mansfield was tabloid fodder throughout the late 1950s and early 1960s,, and their daughter Mariska Hartigay has won both an Emmy and a Golden Globe for starring in "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit."

Companion Viewing:
"Baron Blood" (1972) and "Lady Frankenstein" (1971).

Links:
IMDb.
Cool Cinema Trash.
Images Journal.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Mickey chews some scenery:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 5: Red Zone Cuba (1966).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #619, "Red Zone Cuba." (Originally published Aug. 7, 2009):

The Scoop:
This is yet another Coleman Francis/Anthony Cardoza turd, only this time it is apparently Francis' grand artistic statement.

Back in the '60s and '70s, just about anybody could get John Carradine to appear in their film for about the cost of a ham sandwich, so Francis apparently blew his budget on that, and then wasted the whole thing in the first two minutes of the movie. In the opening scene, Carradine turns up as a grizzled railway worker who is telling this story to a nondescript bystander. After this incredibly short day's work, Carradine disappears from the movie forever, but not before croaking the horrendously awful theme song.

From there, the real story starts. An escaped convict (played by the auteur himself, who also wrote, directed, produced and edited this red-baiting debacle) gets mixed up with five or six revolutionaries who try to invade Cuba. After an excursion that makes the Bay of Pigs look like an epic triumph, our intrepid non-heroes get captured, and a couple of them try a semi-daring escape before getting hunted down by a half-hearted posse back in the States.

At least, that's what the plot seems to indicate. Mostly, "Red Zone Cuba" just meanders from scene to scene, without much differentiation between one setting and the next. In fact, if this film is to be believed, Cuba is just a little town in the California desert. And I think the guy with the cigar and glued-on beard is supposed to be Fidel Castro.

Best Line:
"I'm Cherokee Jack!"

Side Note:
Apparently Cherokee Jack's plane is still in use, and is currently being flown out of a small airport in Alaska.

Companion Viewing:
"The Beast of Yucca Flats" (1961) and "Invasion U.S.A." (1952).

Links:
IMDb.
The Agony Booth.
Daddy-O's Drive-In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Just try to be entertained. I dare you:

Red Zone Cuba: the first 5 minutes @ Yahoo! Video

The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 4: Gamera vs. Barugon (1966).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #K04 and #304, "Gamera vs. Barugon." (Originally published March 9, 2009):

The Scoop:
The flying turtle madness continues!

Let's move on to the second installment in the Gamera franchise, "Gamera vs. Barugon." This time around not only is the action in color, but Gamera also makes the leap from nuclear-spawned menace to friendly protector of the Earth, just like Godzilla did in his series a decade earlier.

The bad guy role is filled by Barugon, a four-legged dinosaur/lizard/dog type thing who shoots a hilariously non-menacing rainbow ray from his back, and who can also freeze things with his tongue. Quite the odd combination, but trust me, this is one of least strange things we'll see in this series.

Some treasure hunters set the plot in motion when they bring a giant opal back to civilization, only to discover that the opal is actually an egg. Pretty soon, out pops Barugon, who proceeds to stomp the crap out of the parts of Tokyo that hadn't previously been stomped in the other kaiju movies. Finally, Gamera shows up to put the critter in his place.

On the human side we get the usual roles we're used to seeing in these movies -- committed scientist, bland girlfriend, rigid military brass, etc. They're played ably enough by the likes of Kojiro Hondo, Kyoko Emani, Yuzo Hayakawa and Takuya Fujioka, but there's really not much for them to do. Even Gamera doesn't get much to do other than show up at the end to lay the smack down.

This is pretty much the Barugon show from start to finish, resulting in what is easily the most boring of the Gamera series.

Best Line:
"That monster destroys everything with his tongue!"

Side Note:
The original Japanese title is "Daikaiju Keto: Gamera tai Barugon" (literally translated, "Giant Monster Duel: Gamera Against Barugon"). When American International Pictures bought the film for U.S. distribution in the late 1960s, they cut 14 minutes of footage and retitled it "War of the Monsters." In the 1980s, Sandy Frank secured the video distribution rights. He restored the missing footage, redubbed the dialogue and retitled the whole thing "Gamera vs. Barugon." So which version should you see? Frankly, it doesn't really matter since the missing footage is so yawn-inducing, it doesn't actually detract from the movie. But it sure makes it go by quicker.

Companion Viewing:
Any other Gamera or Godzilla film you can get your hands on.

Links:
IMDb.
1,000 Misspent Hours.
The Shrine of Gamera.

Take a Look:
The opening titles:


The MST3K version (from their KTMA season):

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 3: The Mole People (1956).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #803, "The Mole People." (Originally published Feb. 6, 2009):

The Scoop:
How dreary can the subterranean world be? Very.

This lovely little film starts off with a professor giving the audience a strange, rambling lecture on the history of various crackpot theories about ancient civilizations underground. When the story finally gets started, we find an archeological team headed by smug know-it-all John Agar that discovers an underground colony of albino Sumerians and their mole-like slaves. Agar's sidekicks include Hugh Beaumont (TV's Ward Cleaver) and the evil underground high priest is Alan Napier (best known as Alfred the Butler from the "Batman" TV series).

When the heroes' chief weapon in a flashlight, you know you're in trouble.

Luckily, this foolishness doesn't last long before the mole slaves revolt, the albino society crumbles and Agar and Beaumont escape in just the nick of time, along with their Sumerian love interest, played by the luscious Cynthia Patrick.

"The Mole People" isn't as bad as some critics make it out to be, but that's not saying it's a good film, either. Director Virgil Vogel put together a solid, if unremarkable, genre piece that only suffers because some of the absurdities in László Görög's script. If you can get past the questionable science and the fact that the mole people look like beatniks dressed for trick-or-treating, it's not a bad little film.

Best Line:
"Do you think anybody's ever tried to smoke dried mushrooms?"

Side Note:
The professor from the beginning is Dr. Frank Baxter, who in the mid='50s left his job teaching English at the University of Southern California to lend his authoritative aura to introducing various educational TV shows. In addition to his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, he was also the recipient of the first ever Golden Gavel from Toastmasters International.

Companion Viewing:
"She" (1935).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Science! Brilliant!:


The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 2: The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #621, "The Beast of Yucca Flats." (Originally published April 8, 2008):

The Scoop:
Forget about all the hype about "Plan 9 From Outer Space" being the worst movie of all time. There are plenty of other contenders for that title that are far more deserving, and "The Beast of Yucca Flats" is one of them.

Not only is this writer/director (and bottom-of-the-barrel-scraper) Coleman Francis' first film (produced by good pal and eternal lead actor Anthony Cardoza), but it also stars the inimitable Tor Johnson. A respected nuclear scientist (played by Johnson, which immediately shoots down any credibility the film might have) wanders too close to an A-bomb test and is turned feral. It's then up to the local sheriff and a pal to hunt him down.

Or something.

Believe me, after five minutes, you won't even bother to keep track of the plot anymore. That's because what plot there is simply involves the actors wandering aimlessly about the desert landscape to no good purpose. And because all the audio got accidentally erased during postproduction, all the dialogue is summarized in nonsensical voice-over narration.

There was nowhere for Francis' career to go from here but up. So his two follow-up movies -- "The Skydivers" from 1963 and 1966's "Night Train to Mundo Fine" (better known as "Red Zone Cuba") -- are still incompetent in their own right, but at least are a marked improvement over this one. Simply having meaningful action and onscreen dialogue will do that.

Best Line:
"Flag on the moon. How did it get there?"

Side Note:
Between directing projects, Francis tried to make his living as a bit actor, playing blink-and-you'll-miss-them parts in a number of films, including "This Island Earth" (1954) and "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" (1970).

Companion Viewing:
"The Creeping Terror" (1964).

Links:
IMDb.
The Astounding B-Monster's interview with Anthony Cardoza.
Daddy-O's Drive In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Thrill to this exciting hand-to-hand combat!


The YouTube gods have blessed us with the entire film. Repay them by watching it, won't you?


The MST3K version:

Turkey Day Marathon, Day 1: Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (1985).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #1006, "Boggy Creek II." (Originally published Feb. 19, 2008):

The Scoop:
"Gross-out" movies may be all the rage these days, but simply making poop jokes or constructing horror scenarios that break a few taboos is not all that gross. True grossness comes from other, somewhat unexpected places, usually involving ugly people and their bodily functions. Something like this movie.

Although it is labeled part two, this film is actually the third in the series about the Boggy Creek Creature, a sorry attempt to build a horror franchise around an allegedly real Bigfoot-like monster that stalks the Arkansas wetlands. The plot this time around concerns a University of Arkansas researcher who takes some of his students into the wilderness to find the monster. Mostly he just relates incidents from the earlier movies, from which footage is taken to pad out the running time.

But this has the distinction of being probably the grossest movie you'll ever see. There are lots of inbred hillbilly stereotypes, big hairy guys without much clothes, ugly people sweating profusely, and the piece de resistance -- a hick so scared by the creature that he steps in his own diarrhea in the outhouse and has to have his wife hose him off. The Arkansas Tourism Board has their work cut out for them to counteract the effects of this movie.

Best Line:
"I've seen the little creature!"

Side Note:
Written, produced, directed and starring Charles B. Pierce, who made a string of low budget crap in the '70s and early '80s. Most of the films featured Jimmy Clem, the fat, ugly guy who plays Crenshaw in this movie.

Companion Viewing:
"The Legend of Boggy Creek" (1972), "Return to Boggy Creek (1977), "The Giant Spider Invasion" (1975) and "Squirm" (1976).

Links:
IMDb.
Some information on the Fouke Monster, the inspiration for the films.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The MST3K version:

I Walked With a Zombie (1943).

The Scoop:
This is, quite simply, the greatest voodoo movie ever made. I realize that's not saying much, given the consistently sorry state of the genre, but even if they weren't all so bad, this film would stand out above the rest.

One of greatest triumphs of legendary producer Val Lewton and director Jacques Tourneur, the story follows Frances Dee as a nurse who travels to Haiti to care for the comatose wife of plantation owner Tom Conway. But the wife's condition isn't necessarily medically explainable, and the nurse turns to the local voodoo priest for help.

Lewton was a master at taking lurid b-movie fare and turning it into moody, exciting art. His best work came in a short stretch in World War II during his partnership Tourneur. The pair created a singular aesthetic that seemed to work every time out. "I Walked With a Zombie is a prime example -- their trademark creepy atmospherics and a complicated love triangle highlight this classic -- but "Cat People," "The Ghost Ship" or "Bedlam" would work just as well. So just watch them all.

Best Bit:
The first walk across the cane fields.

Side Note:
Very, very loosely based on Charlotte Brontë's novel "Jane Eyre."

Companion Viewing:
"White Zombie" (1932), "Cat People" (1942) and "The Seventh Victim" (1943).

Links:
IMDb.
The screenplay.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Roky Erickson's classic (and much covered) tune, based on the movie:

Uncle Sam (1996).

The Scoop:
Celebrities can do embarrassing things when they're down on their luck. So, before Robert Forster got a career boost from being in "Jackie Brown" and Isaac Hayes got one from being on "South Park," they both starred in this slasher dreck.

Sam (David Shark Fralick), a Gulf War vet who is bitter because he was killed by friendly fire in Iraq (hey, who wouldn't be?), returns from the dead on the Fourth of July to terrorize a generic Small Midwestern Town. Sam's worshipful nephew must team up with Sam's old army buddy Chef (er, I mean Jed, played by Hayes, who doesn't even get to sing here) and a blind kid in a wheelchair to stop him. Forster is a politician of some sort who gets to die one of the most humiliating deaths in slasher-dom. Joining them on the humiliation train are Timothy Bottoms, P.J. Soles and Bo Hopkins.

The script by veteran schlockmeister Larry Cohen is not even up to his usual z-grade standards and the direction by William Lustig is just as bad. The effects are especially low-rent -- in one shot, the strings are literally showing. Good for laughs, but not scares.

More interesting to me, though, is that "Uncle Sam" was shot almost entirely in my (adoptive) hometown of La Verne, California. Lots of films have been shot here over the years -- almost all of them better -- but none of them show quite as many recognizable locations as this one. All you La Vernians who read this blog should really check out the film so you can see plenty of Heritage Park, downtown (including exteriors of Warehouse Pizza) and some of the familiar houses along both D Street and Second Street.

Best Bit:
The unintentional comic relief of the blind wheelchair kid.

Side Note:
"Uncle Sam" pretty much put an end to future film production in La Verne. When the crew set off some major pyrotechnics at 2 a.m. one night on a residential street without informing anyone beforehand -- resulting in lots of broken house windows and angry neighbors -- the city council stopped granting film permits.

Companion Viewing:
"Jack Frost" (1997).

Links:
IMDb.
Eccentric Cinema.
All Things Zombie.

Take a Look:
The trailer:

The Green Slime (1968).

The Scoop:
Flora, a “class two asteroid” suddenly takes a left turn starts hurtling toward a collision course with Earth. The only man qualified to stop this menace and save the world is studly rocket jock Jack Rankin (Robert Horton), who must team up with arch-nemesis Capt. Elliott (Richard Jaeckel) to destroy the killer rock. They’re successful, but they find out on the way home that they’ve mistakenly picked up an alien slime that spawns silly tentacle creatures with a taste for human flesh. Meanwhile, in between rousing bouts of square-jawed heroism, Rankin and Elliott fight over sexy doctor Lisa Benson (Luciana Paluzzi).

So basically, this starts out as “Armageddon” and then turns into “Alien.”

This Japanese production is filled with the cheap effects and clunky performances you’d expect from your favorite Godzilla movie, but with a cast of American and Italian actors. It’s completely laugh-worthy, of course, but the best thing about it is the swinging title by Richard Delvy, quite possibly the best theme song of any movie ever.

Best Bit:
Besides the theme song? It's the groovy welcome back party. It's too swingin' for Earth, so they had to hold it on a space station.

Side Note:
All the extras are American military personnel who were based in Japan at the time.

Companion Viewing:
"The Wild, Wild Planet" (1965).

Links:
IMDb.
BadMovies.org.
Monster Island News.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The theme song!

Night of the Lepus (1972).

The Scoop:
Starring Stuart Whitman, Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelley, Rory Calhoun and some of the deadliest rabbits outside of Monty Python, “Night of the Lepus” is one of the pioneering films in the ‘70s wave of eco-horror films and, needless to say, probably the silliest.

When Arizona rancher Cole Hillman’s (Calhoun) land is overrun with rabbits, he gets his university president pal Elgin Clark (Kelley) to call in heroic wildlife researchers Roy and Gerry Bennett (Whitman and Leigh) to find a nonpoisonous, environmentally friendly way to control the population. Unfortunately, the couple’s daughter Amanda (Melanie Fullerton) switches around some of the rabbits her parents are experimenting on, resulting in a plague of giant man-eating bunnies terrorizing the desert Southwest.

Director William F. Claxton and writers Don Holliday and Gene R. Kearney (working from what must be an absurd novel by Russell Braddon) throw in just about every genre cliché available, and while there is the occasional good moment, it’s just not enough. The fairly talented cast just sleepwalks through every scene and the script lets a lot of important pieces of plot happen offscreen. And no matter how much the breathless introduction tries to convince us how threatening rabbits can be, it’s all undercut by the ridiculous premise and bad slow motion effects.

“Night of the Lepus” is definitely a must-watch, but for all the wrong reasons.

Best Bit:
The bunny attack inside the miner’s shack.

Side Note:
The studio was afraid that if the audience knew the movie was about killer rabbits, they wouldn't watch it. So the novel's title ("The Year of the Angry Rabbit") was changed and no rabbits appeared on the original theater posters.

Companion Viewing:
"Kingdom of the Spiders" (1977).

Links:
IMDb.
The Agony Booth.
BadMovies.org.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Some random clips:

Succubus: Hell Bent (2007).

The Scoop:
Can I cut to the chase here? This movie is a big old freakin' waste of time. As a serious horror/thriller, it's a complete pile of twaddle. As a campy bad movie laughfest, it has a few moments, but mostly fails at that too.

While on spring break in Cancun, a completely douchey womanizing film student cleverly named Adam (Robert Mann) meets a mysterious hottie cleverly named Lilith (Natalie Denise Sperl). When he returns home, she turns up at one of his parties and starts leaving corpses in her wake. Turns out she's a succubus, a female demon who consumes the souls of men. (In case you weren't tipped off to that by the title, it's literally spelled out for you in the movie. Literally. Because nothing says "tense climactic battle" like a little impromptu spelling bee.) Sperl isn't so bad as Lilith, and is even kind of sexy. But everything else about the movie is just plain wrong.

The brain child of writer/director Kim Bass (who got his start writing for "In Living Color," oddly enough) is completely amateurish on every level. The script is horrible and cliché-ridden, the direction and editing are muddled, and the acting is wooden at best. All the male actors look like they came out of the same cookie cutter from Pricks 'R' Us. And for a movie with a lot of sex in it, there's absolutely no nudity. You do get to see plenty of Mann's pasty, mole-filled back, though.

"Succubus: Hell Bent" is completely insulting to women, film students, ambulance drivers and most other intelligent people. Oh, and did I mention that there's a demonic fighter jet dogfight? Betcha weren't expecting that!

Save yourself and get out now!

Best Bit:
Gary Busey's cameo as the whacked-out demon hunter. I'm not sure Busey knew he was really shooting a movie. Also look for really horrible cameos by David Keith, Lorenzo Lamas and Kelly Hu.

Side Note:
Want a mythology lesson? Here are the real stories behind succubi and Lilith.

Companion Viewing:
"Serpent's Lair" (1995).

Links:
IMDb.
Official site.
Dr. Gore's Movie Reviews.
1,000 Misspent Hours.

Take a Look:
The trailer. You've got to love any movie in which the leads are the last two actors credited, and the first four combined have about 10 minutes of screen time, max:

The Wild Angels (1966).

The Scoop:
For one brief, shining moment this was the quintessential Biker Movie -- until the release of the far superior "Easy Rider" a few years later.

Peter Fonda plays Heavenly Blues, the leader of a biker gang from Southern California. When his buddy Loser (Bruce Dern) gets his bike stolen, they try to retrieve it, only for Loser to wind up badly hurt in the hospital. The gang tries to bust him out, only to have Loser die in the process. They hold a makeshift funeral and have a mourning party in an old church, which eventually leads to a confrontation with the local upstanding conservative citizens. And that's it. Pretty basic, really. Nancy Sinatra and Diane Ladd co-star in the obligatory girlfriend roles, while the rest of the gang is made up of various B-movie misfits and hangers-on.

While the plot and characters of "The Wild Angels" don't amount to much, the attitude and celebration of biker culture shine through. Despite its poor production values, it is a classic of its kind.

Best Line:
"We want to be free! Free to do what we want to do! We want to be free to ride! To ride our machines without being hassled by the man! We want to get loaded! And we want to have a good time! And that's what we're gonna do! We're gonna have a good time! We're gonna have a party!"

Side Note:
Rumor has it that Laura Dern was conceived on the set of this one.

Companion Viewing:
"Easy Rider" (1969) and "The Wild One" (1954).

Links:
IMDb.
Motherfucking Masterpieces.

Take a Look:
The opener:


Party!


Peter Fonda sticks it to The Man in one of the all-time great movie speeches:

Bettie Page: Dark Angel (2004).

The Scoop:
Along with Marilyn, Elvis and James Dean, Bettie Page was one of the quintessential 1950s icons. She may not have gotten the acclaim during her own time that those others did, but that's only because she was the epitome of sexuality in that era -- a sexuality that the nation's moral guardians tried so hard to keep under wraps. But her fans wouldn't be deterred and for years after her abrupt retirement from modeling, they kept her legacy alive with pinup shots and film shorts hidden in dresser drawers and under mattresses until the world was ready for her re-emergence in the 1990s.

"Bettie Page: Dark Angel" is ostensibly a biopic, but only in the loosest sense. Produced by Cult Epics -- the current distributor of most of her film loops -- the movie is built around faithful recreations of some of Bettie's most infamous "lost" shorts. Interspersed with the recreations are scenes from her life during that period, with the focus squarely on her bondage work with Irving Klaw, although there is brief lip service paid to her shoots with Bunny Yeager. But these scenes have all the awkward writing, stilted acting and cardboard quality production values that you've come to expect from the non-sex scenes of your favorite old pornos.

So the results are uneven, to say the least. But luckily, you're probably not watching this movie for the dramatic scenes.

The recreations are campy fun and star Paige Richards not only is a dead ringer for Bettie, but also brings along her years of experience in softcore porn to really sell it. She doesn't have the same presence as Bettie, but no one could. She comes close, though, which goes a long way toward making this cheapo production watchable.

Best Bit:
The kindergarten quality recreation of the Kefauver hearings.

Side Note:
The theme song is by Chris Stein of Blondie. He was signed to do the whole score, but then backed out. The swinging burlesque score used in the film is by Danny B. Harvey and Zack Ryan.

Companion Viewing:
"The Notorious Bettie Page" (2005).

Links:
IMDb.
Official site.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


A montage:

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957).

The Scoop:
This cult classic follows a formula pretty common in the late 1950s -- take a conventional B-movie concept and weld it onto a teen alienation story derived from "Rebel Without a Cause." Obviously, the B-movie theme this time around is lycanthropy.

A young Michael Landon (in tremendous spasms of scenery chewing) is Tony, a typical '50s version of a troubled teen who is sent to psychologist Dr. Brandon (Whit Bissell) to get his head straight. Unfortunately, the doctor is secretly a mad scientist who wants to use Tony as the test subject for some hypnotic devolutionary mumbo-jumbo that turns people into werewolves. In completely predictable fashion, Tony turns hairy, terrorizes his small town, turns on Dr. Brandon, then is put down by the authorities.

The make-up isn't bad, but otherwise the movie's huge financial success at the time has colored its perception today, making it far too overrated. Especially bad is the "Eeny Meeny Mieny Mo" song.

Best Line:
"It's my belief that these legends and myths died out with the invention of electricity."

Side Note:
Landon later returned to spoof this material in an episode of "Highway to Heaven" called "I Was a Middle-Aged Werewolf."

Companion Viewing:
Producer Herman Cohen's follow-up films, "I Was a Teenage Frankenstein" (1957), "Blood of Dracula" (1957) and "How to Make a Monster" (1958).

Links:
IMDb.
HorrorFind.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The full movie, part one:

Red Zone Cuba (a.k.a., Night Train to Mundo Fine) (1966).

The Scoop:
This is yet another Coleman Francis/Anthony Cardoza turd, only this time it is apparently Francis' grand artistic statement.

Back in the '60s and '70s, just about anybody could get John Carradine to appear in their film for about the cost of a ham sandwich, so Francis apparently blew his budget on that, and then wasted the whole thing in the first two minutes of the movie. In the opening scene, Carradine turns up as a grizzled railway worker who is telling this story to a nondescript bystander. After this incredibly short day's work, Carradine disappears from the movie forever, but not before croaking the horrendously awful theme song.

From there, the real story starts. An escaped convict (played by the auteur himself, who also wrote, directed, produced and edited this red-baiting debacle) gets mixed up with five or six revolutionaries who try to invade Cuba. After an excursion that makes the Bay of Pigs look like an epic triumph, our intrepid non-heroes get captured, and a couple of them try a semi-daring escape before getting hunted down by a half-hearted posse back in the States.

At least, that's what the plot seems to indicate. Mostly, "Red Zone Cuba" just meanders from scene to scene, without much differentiation between one setting and the next. In fact, if this film is to be believed, Cuba is just a little town in the California desert. And I think the guy with the cigar and glued-on beard is supposed to be Fidel Castro.

Best Line:
"I'm Cherokee Jack!"

Side Note:
Apparently Cherokee Jack's plane is still in use, and is currently being flown out of a small airport in Alaska.

Companion Viewing:
"The Beast of Yucca Flats" (1961) and "Invasion U.S.A." (1952).

Links:
IMDb.
The Agony Booth.
Daddy-O's Drive-In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Just try to entertained. I dare you:

Red Zone Cuba: the first 5 minutes @ Yahoo! Video

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977).

The Scoop:
This entry in the late-'70s wave of evil spider movies is pretty much just like all the others -- except this one has William Shatner, which really puts it over the top.

The Shat plays a studly cowboy veterinarian with the soap opera ready name of Rack Hansen who goes to a small Arizona town to investigate a rash of unexplained livestock deaths. It turns out, of course, that the deaths are caused by a gang of angry tarantulas who eventually take over the town, give everyone the willies and deliver an Important Ecological Lesson along the way. Basically, it starts out like "Jaws" and ends up like "The Birds."

Veteran Z-grade exploitation star John "Bud" Cardos directed this and does a technically credible job. But the script from Alan Caillou and Richard Robinson is a turd, the supporting cast (including Woody Strode, Tiffany Bolling and Altovise Davis) is overwrought and Shatner has the smarm set on overdrive. Plus just about every '70s ecological disaster film cliché is crammed onto the screen.

In other words, it's a hoot. But if you have issues with spiders and couldn't stomach the other spider movies, you won't be able to stomach this one, either.

Best Line:
"I don't think DDT's gonna kill 'em."

Side Note:
Cardos worked a lot of jobs behind the camera during his career on the fringes of Hollywood. But of most relevance here was his experience as a bird wrangler for Hitchcock on "The Birds."

Companion Viewing:
"The Giant Spider Invasion" (1975) and "Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo" (1977).

Links:
IMDb.
X-Entertainment.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Check out opening. It has everything you need -- an awesome theme song, star quality bovine acting and sexually charged banter about animal vaccinations. And, believe it or not, the movie's just getting warmed up:

The Gorilla (1939).

The Scoop:
I watch this crap so you don't have to.

Why should you bother watching "The Gorilla"? This one is only for the morbidly curious who want to see Bela Lugosi's career in mid-decline. Here he plays straight man (as does the similarly-declining Lionel Atwill) to the tragically unfunny Ritz Brothers who are trying to solve the mystery of a serial killer in an old mansion.

They don't get much more boring than this. Even eight hours of Andy Warhol's camera trained on the Empire State Building will entertain you more than "The Gorilla."

Seriously, I can't recommend this movie to you less. I shouldn't even be writing about it, and you shouldn't even be reading about it. As it is, we've all just wasted a few precious minutes of our finite lives on it, not to mention all the irreplaceable fossil fuels we've just burned up by using our computers to deal with it. Let's all just cut our losses now and move on. Please, just move on.

Best Line:
"But how could a monkey write those notes to Uncle Walter?"

Side Note:
The costumes were designed by Gwen Wakeling, who would go on to create Barbara Eden's iconic costume for "I Dream of Jeannie."

Companion Viewing:
"The Bat Whispers" (1930).

Links:
IMDb.
1,000 Misspent Hours.

Take a Look:
Here's a taste. Now imagine 66 straight minutes of this:


You best watch out. Bela regulates the fridge:

Cobra Woman (1944).

The Scoop:
This technicolor extravaganza is campy B-movie jungle adventure fun at its best.

Maria Montez, who really deserves to be a bigger drag queen icon, plays twins (one good and one evil, of course). It seems that the evil twin, Naja, is the priestess of an ancient island cobra cult and when she discovers the existence of good twin Tollea, she has her kidnapped for no good reason. Tollea's fiancé Samu (Jon Hall) sets off to rescue her with his trusty native pal Kabo (Sabu) by his side. Lon Chaney Jr. also lurks around the edge of the action. Plus, there's a chimp!

All the swashbuckling, campy fun and beautiful native girls on display here make this a perfect time-waster. (In fact, Kenneth Anger once called this is all-time favorite film, which should give you an idea of what you're in for.) Noir master Robert Siodmak stepped outside of his comfort zone to direct this with gusto from a completely inept script by Gene Lewis and Richard Brooks. It's so wrong it's right.

Best Bit:
The cobra dance. Oh yes. You must stick around to watch Maria do her cobra dance.

Side Note:
Famed Shakespearean stage actor Fritz Leiber, near the end of this life, has a small unbilled part.

Companion Viewing:
"Voodoo Woman" (1957).

Links:
IMDb.
1,000 Misspent Hours.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


"I have spoken. King Cobra!"