Turkey Day Marathon, Day 1: Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (1985).

One of the many fun things about the late, great "Mystery Science Theater 3000" was their annual all-day Turkey Day Marathons for Thanksgiving. Hour after hour after hour of bad movies -- what's not to love? So this year we're doing a Desuko Turkey Day Marathon of our own -- five days of Desuko reviews of movies that have been featured on MST3K. Here's experiment #1006, "Boggy Creek II." (Originally published Feb. 19, 2008):

The Scoop:
"Gross-out" movies may be all the rage these days, but simply making poop jokes or constructing horror scenarios that break a few taboos is not all that gross. True grossness comes from other, somewhat unexpected places, usually involving ugly people and their bodily functions. Something like this movie.

Although it is labeled part two, this film is actually the third in the series about the Boggy Creek Creature, a sorry attempt to build a horror franchise around an allegedly real Bigfoot-like monster that stalks the Arkansas wetlands. The plot this time around concerns a University of Arkansas researcher who takes some of his students into the wilderness to find the monster. Mostly he just relates incidents from the earlier movies, from which footage is taken to pad out the running time.

But this has the distinction of being probably the grossest movie you'll ever see. There are lots of inbred hillbilly stereotypes, big hairy guys without much clothes, ugly people sweating profusely, and the piece de resistance -- a hick so scared by the creature that he steps in his own diarrhea in the outhouse and has to have his wife hose him off. The Arkansas Tourism Board has their work cut out for them to counteract the effects of this movie.

Best Line:
"I've seen the little creature!"

Side Note:
Written, produced, directed and starring Charles B. Pierce, who made a string of low budget crap in the '70s and early '80s. Most of the films featured Jimmy Clem, the fat, ugly guy who plays Crenshaw in this movie.

Companion Viewing:
"The Legend of Boggy Creek" (1972), "Return to Boggy Creek (1977), "The Giant Spider Invasion" (1975) and "Squirm" (1976).

Links:
IMDb.
Some information on the Fouke Monster, the inspiration for the films.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The MST3K version:

Can't Stop the Music (1980).

The Scoop:
Forget "Vegas in Space." Forget "Paris is Burning." Hell, even forget "Purple Rain." This is officially the gayest movie ever made.

It's the same old trying-to-be-a-star plot that's been rehashed far too many times, but this time is stars the Village People on the downside of their popularity. And the fact that they seem to be trying so hard to convince the world that they're not gay just makes the flames coming out of the screen that much more obvious. Add to that the bad dialogue, flashy disco costumes (which, the film would have us believe, the guys wear in their daily lives, too) and the career launch of Steve Gutenberg as a struggling composer, and you've got a righteous stinker. A flaming stinker, even.

Want to know who to blame? How about producer/writer Allen Carr, director Nancy Walker, and of course the Village People's musical svengali, Jacques Morali.

This is one of the quintessential bad movies.

Best Line:
"James is the name, and flame's my game!"

Best Musical Number:
The deliriously campy "Y.M.C.A." number, which is (sadly) the only one of their good hits that made it into the film.

Side Note:
Gutenberg's character, Jack Morrell, is just a thinly-veiled version Morali.

Companion Viewing:
"Breaking 2: Electric Boogaloo" (1984), "Purple Rain" (1984) and "Glitter" (2001).

Links:
IMDb.
Cool Cinema Trash.

Take a Look:
The fabulous trailer!


Do the Milshake!


Let's do the Y.M.C.A.!

Suburbia (1984).

The Scoop:
Back before she hit the (relatively) big time with "Wayne's World," Penelope Spheeris made several films chronicling the lives of disaffected punk kids in and around Southern California. This was the best.

Evan (Bill Coyne) is a bored, disaffected teen with troubles at home, so he runs away to join a band of young punks living in a desolate abandoned housing tract. The kids make an impromptu family of their own, stealing food when they need it and hanging around the punk clubs (including great appearances by the Vandals, D.I. and T.S.O.L.). But this antisocial idyll can last for long, and it eventually comes crashing down, with dire consequences.

Through Spheeris' vision, the suburbs become a bleak, nihilistic wasteland that drives its children to drop out of society -- and these teens are all too happy to go along for the ride. One of the remarkable things about this film is the way the script doesn't point fingers or lay blame at any one group for the kids' predicament, but instead offers a straightforward, honest look at their lives. Another remarkable facet is the collection of authentic performances by the unknown cast. Spheeris cast real punk kids off the street rather than professional actors because, she said, it would be easier to teach a punk to act than to teach an actor how to be a real punk. Her instincts paid off here.

Best Line:
"Happy Easter, asshole!"

Side Note:
One of those unknown punks in the cast was Michael Balzary, who grew up to find fame as Flea, bass player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Companion Viewing:
"The Decline of Western Civilization" (1981).

Links:
IMDb.
The '80s Movies Rewind.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Up your ass!


T.S.O.L. performs:


More music from D.I.:

Purple Rain (1984).

The Scoop:
It's hard to tell who should get top billing for this film -- Prince or his momumental ego.

In this excessively transparent vanity project, The Artist Then Still Known as Prince plays "The Kid," a Minnesota rocker on the rise. All the co-stars (including Morris Day, Apollonia and most of the rest of Prince's extended entourage) pretty much play themselves. It's supposed to have some basis in Prince's real life rise to fame, but that's probably pretty tenuous at best. The situations are full of age-old entertainment biopic clichés, and quite frankly, Prince's character comes off as a major asshole. (Then again, that last part might be entirely true.)

But the plot is beside the point anyway; "Purple Rain" is all about the music, and it features one of the best soundtracks albums out there. Besides the title track, there's "When Doves Cry," "Let's Go Crazy," "I Would Die 4 U" -- it's a virtual greatest hits album. And the versions used in the film were all recorded live, giving them an urgency that could only be supplied by Prince and the Revolution at their creative peak.

There may be a lot of creaky backstage melodrama and Prince-puffery to wade through, but at least there's great wall-to-wall music and those kooky '80s fashions to keep you occupied. "Purple Rain" is a classic in its own idiosyncratic way.

Best Bit:
The oh-so-wacky "What's the password" bit. Come to think of it, that's probably the worst bit, too.

Side Note:
The symbol painted on the side of the gas tank on Prince's motorcycle is actually an early version of his "unpronounceable symbol" name.

Companion Viewing:
"Krush Groove" (1985).

Links:
IMDb.
The screenplay.
The '80s Movie Rewind.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Who's on first?

April Fool's Day (1986).

The Scoop:
This is supposed to be a horror spoof, but frankly, it's not very funny and not very scary.

Birthday girl Muffy invites a bunch of her mopey preppie friends to spend April Fool's weekend in an island vacation house, where they spend the time whining about their lives, playing practical jokes on each other and getting hacked to bits.

Deborah Foreman (who was briefly a star in the '80s following her turns in "Valley Girl" and "My Chaffeur") plays dual roles as Muffy and Buffy, while the rest of the cast is rounded out by the likes of "Friday the 13th" veteran Amy Steel, Griffin O'Neal, Jay Baker, Pat Barlow, Tom Heaton and other sorta-beens and never-weres.

It's all meant to poke fun at the slasher genre, but instead of something clever and inventive like "Scream," but instead director Fred Walton and writer Danilo Bach deliver a sort of bloodier version of a Whit Stillman film. If whoopee cushions and exploding cigars are your idea of a good time, this might be up your alley. But otherwise -- eh, not so much. Allegedly, the script is based on the Agatha Christie story, "And Then There Were None." If you squint, you might be able to see the resemblance.

The end credits theme is wonderfully goofy, though -- it's a catchy, '20s-style jazz novelty number called "Too Bad You're Crazy," written by the film's composer, Charles Bernstein, and performed by Jerry Whitman and Linda Harman. It is worth sticking around through all the other nonsense just to hear it.

"April Fool's Day" was remade in 2008, for reasons that escape me.

Best Bit:
Although most of the practical jokes are pretty predictable, the one with the bedroom lamps is particularly inventive and funny.

Side Note:
An alternate, more downbeat, ending was shot, but was ultimately scrapped for being too convoluted. It is currently unavailable on DVD, although you can sign a petition to change that.

Companion Viewing:
"Metropolitan" (1990).

Links:
IMDb.
It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie.

Take a Look:
The trailer:

Gymkata (1985).

The Scoop:
Let's just cut to the chase here. This is one of the strangest, silliest movies you'll ever see.

Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas plays a secret agent who is a specialist in a martial arts discipline that is part gymnastics, part karate. Actually, in the hands of non-actor Thomas, it just winds up being all gymnastics and no karate. But that hardly matters, since the rest of the plot is pure gibberish anyway. There is some sort of a secret mission to a generic Eastern European country where Thomas has to play deathsports with other fighters. Somehow, a princess is involved, too.

Even after all these years, I'm still not sure what this all adds up to, but (spoiler alert!) the good guys win in the end. But that (and cracktastic fight choreography) is really about all you can expect from movies like this. It also happens to be Thomas' only movie role ever. I wonder why?

This one is a bad movie must.

Best Bit:
The scene in which Thomas is chased down an alley by a gang of thugs, only to find a conveniently placed pommel horse, which he uses to defeat his enemies.

Side Note:
This is actually based on a novel, "The Terrible Game" by Dan Tyler Moore. I dare you to read it.

Companion Viewing:
I'm not sure what a good analogue for "Gymkata" would be. Maybe if you smooshed together "Enter the Dragon" (1973) and "Stick It" (2006), then drained out all the quality, that might come close.

Links:
IMDb.
Gymkata.com.
Badmovies.org.
I-Mockery.
A fan page that is pretty awe-inspiring in its own right.

Take a Look:
The trailer. Gymkata!


The infamous pommel horse scene. Thrill as hundreds of angry villagers just stand around waiting to be kicked!

The Puma Man (1980).

The Scoop:
Donald Pleasance was the John Carradine of his generation (or something like that) -- a star of Oscar-caliber films who also couldn't stop making terribly bad movies. And this is definitely one of the latter.

This Italian-made cheapo monstrosity is about a dorky guy (Walter George Alton) gets chosen by the ancient Aztec gods to be the recipient of the exalted puma powers (which mostly revolve around flying, something I didn't know jungle cats knew how to do) and must fight Kobras, a Dr Evil-type (Pleasance) who plans to take over the world one person at a time with his gold-plated, mind-controlling mask.

Just watch the unintentional hilarity ensue...

Best Bit:
The geeky hero is indoctrinated into his powers by Vadinho, the leader of an Aztec cult that has waited millenia for his arrival. But first, Vadinho (Miguelangel Fuentes) must find the fledgling Puma Man, which leads to the most ridiculous sequence of the movie -- Vadinho testing random guys to see if they have the puma powers by throwing them out of high-rise windows. If the unsuspecting guy hits the ground and dies, then he isn't the Puma Man and Vadinho continues his search.

Side Note:
Alton went on to only one other starring role, in "Heavenly Bodies" (1984). Pleasance, meanwhile, appeared in more than 200 films and television shows before his death in 1995.

Companion Viewing:
"The Greatest American Hero."

Links:
IMDb.
The Puma Man action figure!

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Shamelessly copping a scene from the first "Superman" movie:

The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988).

The Scoop:
Hollywood just can't make good voodoo movies. With one lone exception (Val Lewton's wonderful "I Walked With a Zombie"), they all just come off as contrived and hokey. "The Serpent and the Rainbow" is no different.

This stab at voodoo credibility is a bunch of zombie silliness that Bill Pullman would probably rather leave off his resume. He plays Dennis Allen, a research scientist who travels to Haiti for a pharmaceutical company to investigate a drug that may create zombies. Before long, he gets caught up in a web of intrigue, sex, hallucinogens and bad acting. It was directed by the otherwise talented Wes Craven, who is clearly working outside of his comfort zone a bit and straining from the effort. The film is a very loose adaptation of the book by Wade Davis, which in turn was based on an allegedly true story.

"The Serpent and the Rainbow" actually has a pretty vocal legion of devoted fans, but it's kind of hard to see what the fuss is all about. This pile of voodoo hoodoo tries to be mystical and creepy, but instead is just horrible. If this thing was being made today, you just know Nicolas Cage would be starring in it. Stay far away.

Best Line:
"Don't let them bury me! I'm not dead!"

Side Note:
Avant garde singer Diamanda Galas makes an uncredited appearance as one of the voices of the dead.

Companion Viewing:
"Voodoo Woman" (1957).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Witness Bill Pullman's powers of seduction!

Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues (a.k.a., The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek, Part II) (1985).

The Scoop:
"Gross-out" movies may be all the rage these days, but simply making poop jokes or constructing horror scenarios that break a few taboos is not all that gross. True grossness comes from other, somewhat unexpected places, usually involving ugly people and their bodily functions. Something like this movie.

Although it is labeled part two, this film is actually the third in the series about the Boggy Creek Creature, a sorry attempt to build a horror franchise around an allegedly real Bigfoot-like monster that stalks the Arkansas wetlands. The plot this time around concerns a University of Arkansas researcher who takes some of his students into the wilderness to find the monster. Mostly he just relates incidents from the earlier movies, from which footage is taken to pad out the running time.

But this has the distinction of being probably the grossest movie you'll ever see. There are lots of inbred hillbilly stereotypes, big hairy guys without much clothes, ugly people sweating profusely, and the piece de resistance -- a hick so scared by the creature that he steps in his own diarrhea in the outhouse and has to have his wife hose him off. The Arkansas Tourism Board has their work cut out for them to counteract the effects of this movie.

Best Line:
"I've seen the little creature!"

Side Note:
Written, produced, directed and starring Charles B. Pierce, who made a string of low budget crap in the '70s and early '80s. Most of the films featured Jimmy Clem, the fat, ugly guy who plays Crenshaw in this movie.

Companion Viewing:
"The Legend of Boggy Creek" (1972), "Return to Boggy Creek (1977), "The Giant Spider Invasion" (1975) and "Squirm" (1976).

Links:
IMDb.
Some information on the Fouke Monster, the inspiration for the films.

Take a Look:
The trailer:

Something Wild (1986).

The Scoop:
This entry in the curious '80s subgenre of staightlaced-guys-swept-up-by-wild-dames-in-New-York-City (which includes "Who's That Girl?", "Desperately Seeking Susan," "After Hours" and others) comes out on the top of the heap, mostly because of the irreverent directorial touch of Jonathan Demme and the fun performances of Melanie Griffith (whose character Lulu is obviously based on Louise Brooks' character in "Pandora's Box") and Jeff Daniels.

Daniels plays Charles Driggs, a conservative businessman content with his boring life, who accepts Lulu's offer for a ride back to his office. Of course, wacky Lulu has other plans and whisks Charles away for a wild weekend, including a trip to her high school reunion. But when they cross paths with her violent ex-con ex-husband (Ray Liotta), Charles' life is suddenly in danger.

The pace is fast and fun, even if the third act gets serious and drags a little bit. Everything up to then is slam-bang, though, and also helping the film succeed is the hipness quotient, which includes songs by David Byrne; a score by John Cale and Laurie Anderson; and cameos by John Waters, John Sayles and the Feelies.

Best Bit:
"Sure, I'm a rebel. I just channeled my rebellion into the mainstream."

Side Note:
The two little old ladies in the clothing store are played by the mothers of David Byrne and Jonathan Demme.

Companion Viewing:
"After Hours" (1985) and "Pandora's Box" (1929).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
No trailers available online, but at least you get John Waters, being all cool and John Waters-ish:

Lobster Man From Mars (1987).

The Scoop:
This campy tribute/parody of '50s B-movies starts with potential but quickly peters out. A movie producer (Tony Curtis) learns he needs to release a money-losing film in order to evade the IRS, and who should walk in the door but a nerdy kid (Dean Jacobsen) with his "opus," the movie of the title.

This, of course, is very reminiscent of the plot of "The Producers." But instead of spending much time exploring (or re-exploring) the possibilities in this storyline, most of the movie is given over to the film-within-a-film, which contains a few interesting satiric moments, but grows old quickly. The whole thing is mostly a failure, but worth a look anyway -- especially if you're a devotee of b-grade '50s sci-fi.

Features appearances by Patrick Macnee, Bobby "Boris" Pickett and Billy Barty.

Best Line:
"If you were a lobster man, would you go into a haunted house surrounded by hot springs?"

Side Note:
Curtis' role was originally intended for Orson Welles, who died before production began. Curtis later said that the only reason he took over the role was to have money to pay child support.

Companion Viewing:
"The Producers" (1968), "Ed Wood" (1995) and "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra" (2001).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The trailer:

Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity (1987).

The Scoop:
It may seem like Troma, but it ain't. Director/co-writer Ken Dixon set out to create a campy tribute to '50s B-grade exploitation movies and came up with a winner.

This sci-fi twist on the oft-filmed story "The Most Dangerous Game" is brisk and fun, with lots of cavorting, scantily-clad women thrown into the mix. Big blonde slave girls Daria (Elizabeth Cayton) and Tisa (Cindy Beal) escape from their imprisonment only to crash land on a remote planet where they find big game hunter Zed (Don Scribner), his two brawny robots and their other guests, Shala (Brinke Stevens) and Rik (Carl Horner). Anyone with the least familiarity with the source material will know where this is going right away, but its a fun ride nonetheless. The dialogue is priceless, the girls are sexy and the pace doesn't sag.

This guilty pleasures was just made for life on the bottom shelf of a video store, back when video stores ruled the world.

Best Line:
"I've got the strangest feeling that the normal laws of time and space no longer apply."

Side Note:
Stevens is a veteran of modern sexploitation movies, having starred in films like "Teenage Exorcist" (1991), "Sorority Babes in the Slime Ball Bowl-o-Rama" (1988) and "Slumber Party Massacre" (1982. But she also holds an advanced degree in marine biology and has worked professionally in that field.

Companion Viewing:
Any previous version of "The Most Dangerous Game."

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The trailer:

He Knows You're Alone (1980).

The Scoop:
Before he was heralded as the greatest actor of his generation, Tom Hanks made a lot of dumb '80s comedies. And before he made those dumb '80s comedies, he made some truly bad movies. This is one of them.

"He Knows You're Alone" was his film debut, and he's the only reason to see this turd. Unfortunately, we don't even get the chance to see him in a big role. Instead, he turns up toward the end as a disposable boyfriend of another minor character.

The main plot involves a serial killer stalking women on the night before each one's wedding. As the corpses pile up at a sluggish rate, it's up to bride-to-be Caitlin O'Heaney and ex-boyfriend Don Scardino to put a stop the clichéd shenanigans.

If you're in the mood for a decent, mindless "first wave" (i.e., late-'70s/early-'80s) slasher film, this should be toward the bottom of your list.

Best Bit:
The end credits, I suppose, because that means it is finally, mercifully over.

Side Note:
O'Heaney is the great-great-great granddaughter of Jacob Best, the creator of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Companion Viewing:
"April Fool's Day" (1986).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:

Ghost Story (1981).

The Scoop:
Think "Grumpy Old Men" meets "I Know What You Did Last Summer" (but with a little more class than either of those) and you'll get the idea of what's up with "Ghost Story."

Four elderly men in a small Vermont town call themselves the "Chowder Society" and have been sharing brandy, cigars and ghost stories since their youth. However, they also share an old secret, and when a circle of mysterious deaths starts closing in on them, it finally becomes time to confront their past.

What is basically a lukewarm cliché-ridden thriller (based on the novel by Peter Straub) is made watchable by the four old pros -- Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and John Houseman -- who give what amounts to swan-song performances, as well as by Alice Krige's turn as The Creepy Girl. There are also a few scares and chills -- just enough to keep you watching until the end. This may not be the best ghost story in the world, but you could certainly do worse.

Best Line:
Just about anything Krige says, since it's not so much what she says as how she says it. (Although "Dance with me, you little toad!" is hard to beat.) You can definitely see the seeds of her Star Trek Borg Queen portrayal here.

Side Note:
Phillipe Sarde's score has since become standard library music for many soap operas and telenovelas.

Companion Viewing:
"I Know What You Did Last Summer" (1998) and "What Lies Beneath" (2000).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
You're mostly out of luck, folks. The only clip to be found online is a downloadable full version of the film on AOL Video, but it's a pay service, and only available to Windows XP and 2000 users. But give it a try here if you're so inclined.

The Gong Show Movie (1980).

The Scoop:
After "Mystery Science Theater 3000," the one TV show that has never failed to turn my crank is the original version of "The Gong Show." And here, Chuck Barris brings his unique vision to the big screen. This movie is still tragically unavailable on video and only circulated among the hardcore fans, even though reruns of the series are still readily available.

So, I was looking for this little treasure for a long time. Of course, as with anything you psyche yourself up about for that long, it didn't quite live up to the internal hype. I was hoping for something more in the tradition of those great "backstage musicals" of the '30s, with all the familiar characters dealing with various subplots and drama while preparing for the big show. And while there are elements of that, it mostly just follows Chuck Barris around while he has a crisis of confidence. All the great supporting players of the TV show -- Jaye P. Morgan, the Unknown Comic, Della Bella, Larry Spencer -- are reduced to giving brief cameos. (With such a self-serving script, it's not surprising it was co-written by Chuckie-Baby himself.) The on-air segments from the show weren't recreated or rewritten for the film, but were just actual clips from the show edited into the story.

But even with all that, I enjoyed it. Many of the most wacked-out scenes survive the poor acting and direction, and the uncensored clips from the original show (including Jaye P.'s infamous "exposure") were fun to see. And the final production number made it all worthwhile.

Side Note:
One of Barris' co-writers was none other than Robert Downey Sr. (No wonder the kid turned out so rotten...) Also, look for a bit part by a young Phil Hartman.

Best Line:
Chuck: "Promise not to talk dirty anymore?" / Jaye P.: "Cross my fucking heart."

Companion Viewing:
"42nd Street" (1933) and the original TV series.

Links:
IMDb.
The Gong Show Fan Page.

Take a Look:
Here's the infamous "Popsicle Twins" act, which caused so much grief with the network, and which also was used in the movie:

A Christmas Story (1983).

The Scoop:
Since this will be my last post before Christmas, what better time to review this beloved holiday chestnut?

Ahem.

Well, I guess it's beloved by most, but not by me so much. I realize I'm in the distinct minority on this one, so I'm letting you know up front that your mileage may vary with my review.

Anyway, "A Christmas Story," based on a series of semi-autobiographical stories by Jean Shepard, concerns the eventful holiday season of little Raphie Parker (Peter Billingsley) and his quirky midwestern family in the 1940s. All Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB gun, but his mom is afraid he's going to put his eye out with it. The rest of the plot is mainly a series of vignettes involving Ralphie, his family and his friends, all eventually reaffirming the importance of family ties and the holiday spirit.

It's all meant to be heart-warming, and some of it is, but most of it just get bogs down by two crucial flaws in the film. The first is the obnoxiously relentless "quirkiness" of the family, which becomes overbearing at times. And the other flaw is the narration, in which Shepard's florid prose is used to mythologize the smallest moments and invest them with a cloying pretentiousness. This style has been better used elsewhere to better effect (most notably on television in "The Wonder Years" and "The Adventures of Pete and Pete") but is just too much here.

Of course, these things which turn me off to the movie happen to be the biggest draw for its many fans. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose. Just don't ask me to watch it (again) this year.

Best Line:
"Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian!"

Side Note:
Look for Shepard's cameo as the angry man in line for the mall Santa.

Companion Viewing:
My perennial Christmas favorites tend to lean toward TV rather than the movies, especially the Rankin-Bass specials and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (1965). Although I didn't discover it until my adulthood, "The Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special" (1988) is another favorite.

Links:
IMDb.
The official Warner Bros. DVD site.
The house from the movie. Tours available!

Take a Look: