Kingdom of the Spiders (1977).

The Scoop:
This entry in the late-'70s wave of evil spider movies is pretty much just like all the others -- except this one has William Shatner, which really puts it over the top.

The Shat plays a studly cowboy veterinarian with the soap opera ready name of Rack Hansen who goes to a small Arizona town to investigate a rash of unexplained livestock deaths. It turns out, of course, that the deaths are caused by a gang of angry tarantulas who eventually take over the town, give everyone the willies and deliver an Important Ecological Lesson along the way. Basically, it starts out like "Jaws" and ends up like "The Birds."

Veteran Z-grade exploitation star John "Bud" Cardos directed this and does a technically credible job. But the script from Alan Caillou and Richard Robinson is a turd, the supporting cast (including Woody Strode, Tiffany Bolling and Altovise Davis) is overwrought and Shatner has the smarm set on overdrive. Plus just about every '70s ecological disaster film cliché is crammed onto the screen.

In other words, it's a hoot. But if you have issues with spiders and couldn't stomach the other spider movies, you won't be able to stomach this one, either.

Best Line:
"I don't think DDT's gonna kill 'em."

Side Note:
Cardos worked a lot of jobs behind the camera during his career on the fringes of Hollywood. But of most relevance here was his experience as a bird wrangler for Hitchcock on "The Birds."

Companion Viewing:
"The Giant Spider Invasion" (1975) and "Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo" (1977).

Links:
IMDb.
X-Entertainment.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Check out opening. It has everything you need -- an awesome theme song, star quality bovine acting and sexually charged banter about animal vaccinations. And, believe it or not, the movie's just getting warmed up:

The Gorilla (1939).

The Scoop:
I watch this crap so you don't have to.

Why should you bother watching "The Gorilla"? This one is only for the morbidly curious who want to see Bela Lugosi's career in mid-decline. Here he plays straight man (as does the similarly-declining Lionel Atwill) to the tragically unfunny Ritz Brothers who are trying to solve the mystery of a serial killer in an old mansion.

They don't get much more boring than this. Even eight hours of Andy Warhol's camera trained on the Empire State Building will entertain you more than "The Gorilla."

Seriously, I can't recommend this movie to you less. I shouldn't even be writing about it, and you shouldn't even be reading about it. As it is, we've all just wasted a few precious minutes of our finite lives on it, not to mention all the irreplaceable fossil fuels we've just burned up by using our computers to deal with it. Let's all just cut our losses now and move on. Please, just move on.

Best Line:
"But how could a monkey write those notes to Uncle Walter?"

Side Note:
The costumes were designed by Gwen Wakeling, who would go on to create Barbara Eden's iconic costume for "I Dream of Jeannie."

Companion Viewing:
"The Bat Whispers" (1930).

Links:
IMDb.
1,000 Misspent Hours.

Take a Look:
Here's a taste. Now imagine 66 straight minutes of this:


You best watch out. Bela regulates the fridge:

Cobra Woman (1944).

The Scoop:
This technicolor extravaganza is campy B-movie jungle adventure fun at its best.

Maria Montez, who really deserves to be a bigger drag queen icon, plays twins (one good and one evil, of course). It seems that the evil twin, Naja, is the priestess of an ancient island cobra cult and when she discovers the existence of good twin Tollea, she has her kidnapped for no good reason. Tollea's fiancé Samu (Jon Hall) sets off to rescue her with his trusty native pal Kabo (Sabu) by his side. Lon Chaney Jr. also lurks around the edge of the action. Plus, there's a chimp!

All the swashbuckling, campy fun and beautiful native girls on display here make this a perfect time-waster. (In fact, Kenneth Anger once called this is all-time favorite film, which should give you an idea of what you're in for.) Noir master Robert Siodmak stepped outside of his comfort zone to direct this with gusto from a completely inept script by Gene Lewis and Richard Brooks. It's so wrong it's right.

Best Bit:
The cobra dance. Oh yes. You must stick around to watch Maria do her cobra dance.

Side Note:
Famed Shakespearean stage actor Fritz Leiber, near the end of this life, has a small unbilled part.

Companion Viewing:
"Voodoo Woman" (1957).

Links:
IMDb.
1,000 Misspent Hours.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


"I have spoken. King Cobra!"

Ratatouille (2007).

The Scoop:
Food lovers will find a lot to like in "Ratatouille," Brad Bird's second feature for Pixar.

The film takes us inside the gourmet kitchens of Paris as Remy (Patton Oswalt), a culinarily gifted rat, helps nervous apprentice chef Linguini (Lou Romano) move up in the world of high cuisine, woo fellow chef Colette (Janeane Garofalo), please the notorious food critic Anton Ego (Peter O'Toole) and stay one step ahead of his conniving boss Skinner (Ian Holm).

The world of the busy kitchen is lovingly recreated, with plenty of attention paid to the preparation of the ingredients, culinary aesthetics and the simple joys of cooking. This is a top-notch Pixar production in other ways too, particularly in the character design, the excellent voice performances and a couple of bravura chase sequences.

Where "Ratatouille" stumbles, however, is in its predictable, cliched story. The plot doesn't offer any surprises. This may not be entirely the fault of Bird, who took over the project from original writer/director Jan Pinkava midway through. But it still amounts to possibly the weakest story in the Pixar repertoire.

That's not a reason to avoid "Ratatouille" but unless you're enamored with the world of gourmet cuisine, you might not be revisiting it very often.

Best Line:
"I defrauded a major corporation. I robbed the second largest bank in France using only a ballpoint pen. I created a hole in the ozone layer over Avignon. I killed a man -- with this thumb."

Side Note:
The shop with the dead rats in the window is an actual exterminator's shop in Paris called Destruction des Animaux Nuisibles, which has been in business since 1872.

Companion Viewing:
"The Tale of Despereaux" (2008).

Links:
IMDb.
Official site.
Fan site.
A recipe for ratatouille from Cooking for Engineers.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Anton Ego will eat you alive. But he won't swallow.

The Concorde: Airport '79 (1979).

The Scoop:
This (mercifully) final installment in the "Airport" series reaches a zenith of silliness -- surpassing even the jumbo-jet-on-the-ocean-floor of "Airport '77" -- and provides most of the fodder for the hilarious "Airplane!"

A goodwill flight from Washington to Moscow is interrupted by missles, fighter planes, Charo's chihuahua and other intrigue. Along the way, the French pilot (Alain Delon) has lots of sex, Jimmie Walker gets high and plays the saxophone, Martha Raye gets tossed around the bathroom, Avery Schreiber makes funny faces and, best of all, George Kennedy dogfights with a pair of F-15s armed only with a flare gun. But wait, there's more! The seemingly endless cast list also includes Robert Wagner, Sylvia Kristel, Susan Blakely, David Warner, John Davidson, Eddie Albert, Cicely Tyson and a host of others.

It's all total trash. But it's highly entertaining trash. There's not a whole lot more to say about it except, damn, what a turkey. (But I mean that in the nicest possible way.)

Best Line:
"Well, it's called the 'cockpit' for a reason..."

Side Note:
The concorde used in the film was sold to Air France after the production, and it is the same plane that crashed on takeoff from Paris in July 2000, becoming France's worst air disaster.

Companion Viewing:
"Airplane!" (1980) and the other films in the "Airport" series.

Links:
IMDb.
Cool Cinema Trash.
The Agony Booth.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


Charo!

Bluetopia: The L.A. Dodgers Movie (2009).

The Scoop:
Fandom for a sports team is a hard thing to explain to the uninitiated. There certainly isn't anything logical or rational about it, but it's something that becomes ingrained at an early age and is a passion that runs deeper than anything. It isn't about going to games for a fun getaway or to be "seen." It's about being there, win or lose (especially when they're losing), through sun or rain. It's an unbridled love for anyone wearing your uniform.

“Bluetopia” is the story of the 2008 Los Angeles Dodgers season, but this isn’t your typical documentary. It’s an all-access look, not only with the players in the clubhouse and their off-field lives, but also with the stadium operations and what happens behind the scenes. But even better than that are the interviews with the lifelong fans, talking about their love for the team. This is, at heart, as story about fandom, and offers a snapshot of the state of Dodgers Nation.

Besides the usual suspects like the players, general manager Ned Colletti and owners Frank and Jamie McCourt, there are also interviews with the likes of clubhouse manager Mitch Poole, Roger “The Peanut Man” Owens, Joe Beimel’s parents and, of course, Vin Scully. But there are also visits with the owner of a Dodger-themed tattoo shop, former gang members working with Homeboy Industries, three little old ladies who love Russell Martin, and doctors and cancer patients at the City of Hope.

But the pivotal moment, of course, is the arrival of Manny Ramirez, and we get to see his first entrance in the clubhouse, the media crush and the reaction of his new teammates (including Andruw Jones sulking in the background).

What’s most memorable about the film, though, are the small moments. The guy who wants to get all of Dodger Stadium and the L.A. skyline tattooed on his back. The joy on the face of Clayton Kershaw’s mother while watching his Major League debut. The rookie hazing costumes. The teenager who catches a batting practice home run and manages to parlay it into an autograph from Chan Ho Park.

Don’t expect any objectivity with this documentary. It’s a celebration of the Dodger experience, and the portions with the team personnel definitely have the feel of PR spin. But what makes “Bluetopia” are the moments with the fans. They come from all walks of life and don’t have much in common but their love for the Blue. But that’s all it takes. That’s what true fandom is all about.

Best Bit:
The excitement of Mateo, the little boy who was attending his first game.

Side Note:
Want your own True Blue tattoo? The shop is on Hollywood Boulevard, not far from the stadium. While you're there, be sure to pick up your Pavilion Pimp gear.

Companion Viewing:
A game at Dodger Stadium, of course, from the field or loge level with a little radio to hear Vin Scully's call.

Links:
IMDb.
The Trolley Dodger.

Take a Look:
The trailer isn't embeddable (what's up with that?), so here's a link.