Blood of Dracula (1957).

The Scoop:
What an odd little movie.

What starts out as just another quickie about misunderstood teens in the usual "Blackboard Jungle"-knockoff mode of AIP soon takes a turn for the surreal in this story of a female teacher (Louise Lewis) at an all-girls school who uses her vampire powers to prey on the student body, led by Sandra Harrison.

This is another Herman Cohen production, made to capitalize on the success of "I Was a Teenage Werewolf" and "I Was a Teenage Frankenstein." It doesn't hold up as well in comparison to those two films, but "Blood of Dracula" has it's own charms, mostly in the way the weird horror elements are so awkwardly grafted onto the standard teen cheapie formula. Sometimes the changes are so swift, you can get whiplash if you're not careful. Thinly veiled lesbianism abounds, giving the clean-cut image of '50s lovesick teens a mind-bending twist. And, as if that wasn't enough, bland crooner Jerry Blaine interrupts all the sexual tension, hypnotism and vampire stalkings to sing his hit song "Puppy Love."

Despite all of its shortcomings in terms of acting and stale plot, this is one you don't want to miss.

(And, sorry to disappoint you, but Dracula doesn't actually appear in this movie.)

Best Bit:
This exchange, prompted by the visit by Jerry Blaine: "We pass him around like a jug of water on a lifeboat." / "Yeah. One swallow for every girl."

Side Note:
Unfortunately, this was Harrison's only starring role. The rest of her filmography consists of an unbilled role in "Desire Under the Elms" and appearances in single episodes of the television shows "The Adventures of Superman" and "Burke's Law."

Companion Viewing:
"I Was a Teenage Werewolf" (1957) and "Girls' Town" (1959).

Links:
IMDb.
Horrorfind.
1,000 Misspent Hours.
Herman Cohen: The Man and His Movies.

Take a Look:
This trailer captures the whiplash-style change of genre pretty accurately:

Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965).

The Scoop:
What a classically wonderful piece of '60s fluff. Teen idol Frankie Avalon plays Graig Gamble, a swinging secret agent hot on the trail of titular supervillain Vincent Price, who has a penchant of gold pixie shoes and is trying to gain the assets of the world's wealthiest men with sexy female robots (led by American International Pictures mainstay Susan Hart) made in his Bikini Machine.

Yes, these are the original Fembots! If you're an Austin Powers fan and want to check out the first wave of swinging spy movies, this is the place to go -- as well as other such movies, like "Modesty Blaise" (1966) and "Casino Royale" (1967).

There's swinging music (including the title tune, sung by the Supremes), a cheesy plot, some light humor, plenty of babes in bikinis -- such terrific summertime fun, who could ask for anything more?

Best Line:
"Remember -- the eyes of Goldfoot are upon you!"

Side Note:
Includes cameos by Avalon's beach movie costars Annette Funiccello, Harvey Lembeck and Tommy Kirk.

Companion Viewing:
"Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" (1997) and "Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs" (1966).

Links:
IMDb.
Cloak and Dagger.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


The title sequence, featuring some stop motion animation and that great Supremes song:


Dr. Goldfoot shows off a new weapon:

Surf's Up (2007).

The Scoop:
With just its second full-length feature, Sony Pictures' fledgling animation division scores big-time with "Surf's Up," jumping on the penguin-themed bandwagon of the previous year's "Happy Feet" and outdoing that film. It is the story of aspiring smalltown surfer Cody Maverick (voiced by Shia LaBeouf), who goes to the Big Z Memorial Surfing Championship on Pen Gu Island with dreams of making it big. To go up against reigning champion (and all-around bully) Tank Evans (Diedrich Bader), he'll need the help of his newfound friend Chicken Joe (Jon Heder), lifeguard Lani (Zooey Deschanel) and mysterious guru Geek (Jeff Bridges).

Directors/co-writers/animators Ash Brannon ("Toy Story 2") and Chris Buck ("Tarzan") have crafted a fast-paced and fun little film with a wonderfully hilarious screenplay. But their most interesting creative choice was to tell the story in the form of a mockumentary, which might seem like an alien concept for an animated feature, but winds up working well. It gives a familiar story a fresh spin, and even opens up some new areas for the film to explore.

The animation is superb, at turns mimicking the look of handheld documentary filmmaking, ESPN style sports coverage, archival newsreel footage and in-the-water surfing cinematography, all with great precision.

If there's any drawback to "Surf's Up," it is the clutter of minor characters, especially since some of them (primarily Chicken Joe and the trio of penguin kids) wind up being woefully underused. But really just amounts to a minor quibble. This is one animated feature you won't have to be a kid to fully enjoy.

Best Line:
"Tank's not a winner. He's a big furry trash can full of poop."

Side Note:
Brannon and Buck essentially play themselves in the film by voicing the two documentary filmmakers who are following Cody around. Pro surfers Kelly Slater and Rob Machado, and X Games host Sal Masekela also cameo as themselves.

Companion Viewing:
"Happy Feet" (2006).

Links:
IMDb.
Official Site.

Take a Look:
The trailer:


A montage of the penguin kids:


Tank shows off his trophies:

Metapost: Kaleidotropically Yours.

Let's take a brief timeout from the reviews for a little self-promotion: The latest issue of the painfully hip lit 'zine Kaleidotrope has been unleashed on the world, and it includes a piece by me. "The Rise of the Fembots: A Brief Introduction to Female Android Sexuality in Film" is pretty self-explanatory, doncha think?

Seriously, it's a fun read, and I'm not just saying that because I'm featured. Be sure to drop them a line and get yours today!

Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971).

The Scoop:
This early directorial effort by Dario Argento is the final film of his so-called "animal trilogy" that started with "Cat o' Nine Tails" and "The Bird With the Crystal Plumage." It is also pretty much indistinguishable from his other early films -- same Hitchcockian aspirations, same plot themes, same visual artistry. The man practically invented the "giallo" subgenre of Italian thrillers, but he just seems to be on cruise control here.

The story concerns a rock drummer (played by Michael Brandon) who kills a man in self-defense, only to be blackmailed my someone who witnessed the killing. Anyone who has seen any other Argento murder mystery will already be familiar with the plot's twists and turns, and probably even guess the blackmailer's identity well before the end.

The film is great to look at and the attention to bloody detail is a gorehound's delight, but the uninvolving story, lifeless acting and oddly misplaced bits of humor conspire to make this one of the Italian master's lesser films. Which is probably just as well, since it's very difficult to find anymore, with no current commercial release in the United States. Unless you're a completist, do yourself a favor and stick to his better and more readily available work.

Best Line:
"Oh, you heterosexuals!"

Side Note:
Brandon, who does a merely marginal job portraying the drumming hero, was far from Argento's first choice for the role. Among those who couldn't do it for one reason or another were Michael York, Terence Stamp, singer/songwriter James Taylor and even two Beatles -- John Lennon and Ringo Starr.

Companion Viewing:
"The Bird With the Crystal Plumage" (1970) and "Cat o' Nine Tails" (1971).

Links:
IMDb.
Terror Trap.

Take a Look:
The trailers:



The whole film is available on YouTube in installments, but the audio and video quality is pretty poor. But if you want to stick it out, more power to you. It begins here:

William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream (1999).

The Scoop:
Michael Hoffman's version of Shakespeare's classic romantic fantasy gives the material the lush, sexy treatment it deserves. Hoffman has transplanted the action to the late 19th century in the Italian countryside, and the beautiful landscape sets just the right tone. An gorgeous looking all-star cast (led by Kevin Kline, Michelle Pfeiffer, Calista Flockhart and Christian Bale) takes its crack at the Bard, and doesn't embarrass itself too badly, despite a few difficult performances.

(Difficult performances seem to be par for the course with filmed Shakespeare in the past couple decades, but Hoffman does a good job here of minimizing their impact.)

Still, the art direction is memorable and Hoffman shows more skin and sex than is typical, giving the material a much more modern feel, while still maintaining the spirit of the original text. Definitely a winner, and a film that should be accessible even to those who don't ordinarily "get" Shakespeare.

Best Bit:
"The course of true love never did run smooth."

Side Note:
As the Mechanicals are waiting to perform for the Duke, we see other groups rehearsing their own plays -- which include "Oedipus Rex" and "Othello."

Companion Viewing:
"A Midsummer Night's Dream" (1935).

Links:
IMDb.
The original text.
Greg Ferguson drops some essay-ic knowledge.

Take a Look:
The opening scenes:

The Mysterious Doctor (1943).

The Scoop:
This low budget production, set in Britain, manages to wring some good atmosphere out of its limited sets and personnel.

In the small Cornwall village of Morgan's Head, residents live in fear of a headless ghost that stalks the local tin mine. The villagers get suspicious when a doctor (Lester Matthews) on a walking tour of the area turns up at the local inn one evening. Their suspicion turns to paranoia when someone spots a parachutist landing in the moors. Pretty soon the doctor turns up dead, the ghost is running wild and the village is in a tizzy. Along for the ride are the obligatory bland romantic leads (Eleanor Parker and Bruce Lester), the sympathetic village idiot (Matt Willis), the hooded innkeeper (Frank Mayo) and the local squire (John Loder).

Even though this is an American production (made at Warner's), it's full of that stiff-upper-lip British wartime spirit. The moody cinematography by Henry Sharp and taut direction by Ben Stoloff are both top-notch, and at only 57 minutes, the story flies by at a brisk pace. In that sense it fits the B-movie mold perfectly -- a fun, engaging appetizer that still leaves you hungry for the main feature.

Best Line:
You've got to love a dramatic climax that begins with, "I see you don't know much about the early history of tin mining in Cornwall."

Side Note:
Although she kind of gets short shrift here, in one of her earliest roles, Eleanor Parker went on to have a wonderful (but unjustly overlooked) career in Hollywood. She later costarred with the likes of Charleton Heston in "The Naked Jungle" (1954) Frank Sinatra in "The Man With the Golden Arm" (1955), and Kirk Douglas in "Detective Story" (1951).

Companion Viewing:
"The Cat Girl" (1957), "The Undying Monster" (1942) and "The Man From Planet X" (1951).

Links:
IMDb.
1,000 Misspent Hours.

Take a Look:
The trailer, which seems to lean awfully heavily on our bland lovebirds, is over at TCM.

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961).

The Scoop:
Forget about all the hype about "Plan 9 From Outer Space" being the worst movie of all time. There are plenty of other contenders for that title that are far more deserving, and "The Beast of Yucca Flats" is one of them.

Not only is this writer/director (and bottom-of-the-barrel-scraper) Coleman Francis' first film (produced by good pal and eternal lead actor Anthony Cardoza), but it also stars the inimitable Tor Johnson. A respected nuclear scientist (played by Johnson, which immediately shoots down any credibility the film might have) wanders too close to an A-bomb test and is turned feral. It's then up to the local sheriff and a pal to hunt him down.

Or something.

Believe me, after five minutes, you won't even bother to keep track of the plot anymore. That's because what plot there is simply involves the actors wandering aimlessly about the desert landscape to no good purpose. And because all the audio got accidentally erased during postproduction, all the dialogue is summarized in nonsensical voice-over narration.

There was nowhere for Francis' career to go from here but up. So his two follow-up movies -- "The Skydivers" from 1963 and 1966's "Night Train to Mundo Fine" (better known as "Red Zone Cuba") -- are still incompetent in their own right, but at least are a marked improvement over this one. Simply having meaningful action and onscreen dialogue will do that.

Best Line:
"Flag on the moon. How did it get there?"

Side Note:
Between directing projects, Francis tried to make his living as a bit actor, playing blink-and-you'll-miss-them parts in a number of films, including "This Island Earth" (1954) and "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" (1970).

Companion Viewing:
"The Creeping Terror" (1964).

Links:
IMDb.
The Astounding B-Monster's interview with Anthony Cardoza.
Daddy-O's Drive In Dirt.

Take a Look:
Thrill to this exciting hand-to-hand combat!


The YouTube gods have blessed us with the entire film. Repay them by watching it, won't you?

Thank God It's Friday (1978).

The Scoop:
Who knew the disco scene was so boring? This virtually plotless "tribute" to the '70s night life instead comes off as dreary and lifeless as assorted characters converge on the hot new club in town and find their lives changed. I suppose director Robert Klane and writer Armyan Bernstein were trying to make this the "American Graffiti" of the disco scene, but the result is so weighted down with silly characters and pointless subplots that, if it weren't for the music, the whole thing would grind to a standstill.

The film features musical performances by Donna Summer (singing "Last Dance," which won her an Oscar) and the Commodores, as well as early outings by Jeff Goldblum and Debra Winger. The rest of the cast is mostly anonymous.

If you love the music of the era (and we here at Desuko certainly do), you'll be mildly entertained. But if you don't, you might want to steer clear of this one.

Best Line:
"Dancing! Everything else is bullshit!" (See the clip below. Context is everything)

Side Note:
One of the teenage girls is played by Terri Nunn, future lead singer of the '80s New Wave group Berlin.

Companion Viewing:
"Can't Stop the Music" (1980), "American Graffiti" (1973) and "Go" (1999).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
TV spots for the film:


Donna Summer sings "Last Dance":


I suspect this scene was originally envisioned as a tribute to the great movie dance sequences of yesteryear, but well... Let's just say it's no "Singin' in the Rain":

The Scarlet Empress (1934).

The Scoop:
Directed by Josef von Sternberg and starring Marlene Dietrich, this lavish epic is the pinnacle of their eight-film cinematic partnership.

Based on the diaries of Catherine the Great, "The Scarlet Empress" tells the tale of her hard, brutal rise to power in 18th century Russia, going from being naive Princess Sophie of Prussian to becoming Empress Catherine II. Dietrich is at her best, at turns sexy and ruthless, and the film is a visual treat. Von Sternberg's direction and Bert Glennon's moody cinematography highlight the sumptuous costumes and elaborate, meticulously-designed sets. It all adds up to a worshipful, erotically-charged love letter to one of history's commanding personalities -- which applies as much to Dietrich herself as to Catherine. Von Sterberg conflates the two, which would ordinarily be a problem, but here it becomes one of the film's strengths.

There is plenty of sex, deception and passion on display -- all sorts of things here to please the modern fan. "The Scarlet Empress" is von Sternberg's greatest film, and one of the finest historical dramas of the '30s.

Best Line:
"There is no emperor -- there is only an empress."

Side Note:
Despite the lavish production design, von Sternberg was still budget-conscious. For expensive crowd scenes, he reused footage from Ernst Lubitsch's film "The Patriot" (1928).

Companion Viewing:
"Queen Christina" (1933) and "Elizabeth" (1998).

Links:
IMDb.

Take a Look:
The young impetuous Sophie engages in a little girl talk:


The older Catherine stands up to her husband at a state banquet: